Dr. Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done... Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget.
Dr. Foreman: Have you seen the latest research?
Dr. Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV.
Dr. Foreman: Right.
House: Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams!
Role Model - S1-E17
Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Role Model - S1-E17
House: Someday there will be a black president. Someday there will be a gay president. Maybe there'll even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see is gay, black, and dead.
Dr. Spain: Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
Dr. Wilson: So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
House: Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
Female Patient: What?
House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars.
Female Patient: I don't have a daughter.
House: Next!
Love Hurts - S1-E20
Dr. Cuddy: You lied to them!
Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.
House: It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush-hour traffic.
Love Hurts - S1-E20
Clinic Lawyer: So what's that - two strokes you've scared this guy into?
House: Yeah - it's making me question my view of myself as a people person.
Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Everyone stares.] I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out my nose.
House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates...
House: [Showing her sonogram.] It has your eyes.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.
Dr. Cameron: I'll check into it.
Dr. Foreman: I'll make the call.
Dr. Chase: I'll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.
House: I'll have lunch.
House: [Describing a case.] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.
Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.
House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!
Answer: She would have No Reason to know it belonged to the CIA. If she did know he went off in the helicopter, all she would know is that it wasn't an ambulance helicopter.
Greg Dwyer