Blackadder

The Foretelling - S1-E1

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Blackadder: Darling, what are you doing here?
Darling: Bullet in the foot.
Blackadder: I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.
Darling: I didn't do it, the general did it.
Blackadder: Got tired of you already, has he?
Darling: He wasn't aiming at my foot.
Blackadder: Oh, so he was going for your head.
Darling: He wasn't aiming at anything.
Blackadder: So he was aiming for between your legs.

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Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: You're fired.
Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

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Money - S2-E4

[Blackadder is selling his house. Mr. And Mrs. Pants are looking around.]
Mrs. Pants: Strange smell.
Blackadder: Yes, that's the servant - he'll be gone.
Mr. Pants: You're really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing, it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

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Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

[Blackadder puts the phone down.]
Baldrick: Who was that?
Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, that was his Holiness Pope Gregory IX, inviting me to join him for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue, currently wintering in Montego Bay, with the England cricket team, and the Balinese Goddes of Plenty.
Baldrick: Really?
Blackadder: No, not really. I've been ordered to HQ - no doubt means that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me an attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.

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Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim and when the police arrived he said 'I'm glad I killed the bastard.' Massingbird not only got him off, he got hom knighted in the New Year's Honours list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to get the blood washed out of his jacket.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.

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Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: Is the turnip surprise ready?
[Lord Percy and Baldrick start snickering.]
Baldrick: Yes it is, my lord.
Blackadder: Then what is so funny?
Lord Percy: Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy.
Blackadder: A thingy?
Lord Percy: A great big thingy. It was terrific.
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed but, that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Baldrick: Yes. Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Good. Because there's nothing less likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy shaped turnip.
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic my lord, because I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
Percy: Absolutely, Edmond. But it was jolly funny.

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The Foretelling - S1-E1

King Richard IV: Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss. A toast to our triumph! And I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king!
Ghost of King Richard: [stands, points to Edmund.] It was him!
Edmund: Oh my god!
King Richard IV: Quiet at the end there! Whoever it was...
Ghost of King Richard: It was him. Edna!
King Richard IV: Wherever he be...
Ghost of King Richard: He's down there at the end!
King Richard IV: He shall be struck down!
Ghost of King Richard: Well then, get on with it, you stupid oaf. He's there!

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Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah. When you call for ale, I pass water.

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Sense and Senility - S3-E4

Baldrick: My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah. It was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So, he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yeah, that's right.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.

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The Black Seal - S1-E6

Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
Percy: Me? Why?
Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

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Sense and Senility - S3-E4

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.

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Beer - S2-E5

Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

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Money - S2-E4

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

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Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

Blackadder: She's got the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.

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Plan D: Private Plane - S4-E4

Flashheart: Eat knuckle, Fritz. [He knocks Blackadder to the ground and holds him there with his foot.] How disgusting, a Bosch on the sole of my boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it in. I'll be shunned in the Officer's Mess."Sorry about the pong, you fellas; trod in the Bosch and can't get rid of the WHIFF."
Blackadder: If we could dispense with the hilarious doggie-doo metaphor for a moment, I am not a Bosch, this is a British trench.
Flashheart: Thank heaven for that, thought I'd landed sausage-side. Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they oughta be on my FACE.

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Dish and Dishonesty - S3-E1

Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.
Baldrick: Thank you very much.
Blackadder: As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. [Pauses for a second.] Did you enjoy it?

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Blackadder: Sir, is there something the matter?
General Melchett: You're damned right there's something the matter! Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right under my very nose!
Blackadder: Sir, your moustache is lovely.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

General Melchett: Captain Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes sir?
General Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
General Melchett: Darling?
Captain Darling: Yes sir?
General Melchett: You are a complete arse.

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Duel and Duality - S3-E6

Baldrick: You could have someone else fight the duel for you.
George: But I'm the Prince Regent! My portrait hangs on every wall.
Blackadder: Answer that, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Well, my cousin, Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says that all portraits look the same nowadays, since they're painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.
Blackadder: Well, your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you, Baldrick.

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Blackadder: Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
Baldrick: Yes.
[Blackadder grabs a knife and holds it to Baldrick's throat.]
Baldrick: No.

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Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

[Baldrick is called to the stand to defend Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick.
Lieutenant George: Are you Private Baldrick?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: Come on, Baldrick. Be a little more helpful. It's me.
Baldrick: No, it isn't.

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The Witchsmeller Pursuivant - S1-E5

Witchsmeller: The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.

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The Black Seal - S1-E6

Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.

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Nob and Nobility - S3-E3

Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing.
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing ... Until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we ... Spring into action?

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Potato - S2-E3

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.]
Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage.
Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think.
Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.
Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.
Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.

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The Black Seal - S1-E6

The Hawk: I return at last, after fifteen years.
Edmund: And what have you been up to?
The Hawk: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.
Edmund: So, you've kept yourself busy?

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Head - S2-E2

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.
Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.
Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?
Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants.

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Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]
Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!
Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?
Prince George: What?
Blackadder: The words?

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Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

[Blackadder tells Mr. Hardwood that the prince wants to marry his daughter Amy.]
Mr. Hardwood: Ah, ah... Can it be true? Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class?
Amy: But what about you and mum?
Mr. Hardwood: Yes, yes I grant thee when I first met her, I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung but that was an exception.
Amy: And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted.
Mr: Hardwood: Yes all right he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyle but...
Amy: And Aunty Ruth and Uncle Isiah she was a milkmaid and he was...
Mr. Hardwood: The Pope! Yes, yes all right. Don't argue!

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Blackadder: I only smoke cigarettes after making love, so back home in England I'm a twenty-a-day man.

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Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

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Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

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Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

Blackadder: Oh God bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. Honeslty Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn, I've still got an enourmous bill in front of me.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: [Describing Baldrick's poetry.] It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire building.
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: This is a crisis, a large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeted throughout; twenty-four hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This is a Large Crisis'.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Baldrick: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me...
Blackadder: Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
Baldrick: They might find me interesting.
Blackadder: I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan sewage system interesting, but that doesn't mean I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out of it with a pair of tweezers.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Baldrick: Oh no, I hate hostipals! My grandad went into one, and when he came out he was dead!
Blackadder: He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick. He'd been run over by a traction engine.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Darling: A German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
Blackadder: I certainly am sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans.
Melchett: Of course we've got plans! How else do you think our battles are directed?
Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?
Melchett: Of course they are. Directed accoring to the grand plan.
Blackadder: Oh I see. And would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everybody's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan?

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Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

Melchett: Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field
Blackadder: Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing over the top of our trenches and walking, very slowly towards the enemy?
Darling: How did you know that Blackadder? It's classified information
Blackadder: It's the same plan we used last time, and the seventeen times before that
Melchett: E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it. It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard. Doing exactly what we've done eighteen times before will be the last thing they expect us to do this time.

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Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Right, you ready?
George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool
Blackadder: I'm sorry?
George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there
Blackadder: You mean... You want me... Tackle out?
George: Well, I'd have thought so yes
Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...
George: It's artistic licence sir... It's the willing suspension of disbelief
Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!

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Money - S2-E4

Blackadder: This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

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Potato - S2-E3

Percy: Oh, come on Edmund. The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing. Oh look, look, there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face.

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Bells - S2-E1

Young Crone: Do have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse full of moneys...which I'm not going to give to you.

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Sense and Senility - S3-E4

Blackadder: I've had it up to here with that Prince. One more insult and our contract will be as broken as this jug
Baldrick: But that jug's not broken
Blackadder: You really do walk right into these things, don't you Baldrick?
[Smashes the jug on Baldrick's head.].

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Nob and Nobility - S3-E3

Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing those pills Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee, your record in this department is not exactly 100%.

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Plan D: Private Plane - S4-E4

Blackadder: I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.
Melchett: Excellent idea - your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.
Blackadder: You are my commanding officer.
Melchett: Well?
Blackadder: Can I have a weeks leave to recuperate sir?
Melchett: Certainly not.
Blackadder: Thank you sir.
Melchett: Baaah!

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Plan C: Major Star - S4-E3

George: You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you cap?
Blackadder: Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

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Duel and Duality - S3-E6

Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?

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Nob and Nobility - S3-E3

Blackadder: Doesn't anyone know? We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?

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Ink and Incapability - S3-E2

Baldrick: But then I'll go to hell for ever for stealing!
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.

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Dish and Dishonesty - S3-E1

[Baldrick has just been made a lord, much to Blackadder's annoyance, and been given £400,000.]
Blackadder: Give me the bloody money, Baldrick or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick or you're dead, MY LORD.
Blackadder: Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

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Chains - S2-E6

Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me, Edmund?
Blackadder: Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.
Queen Elizabeth: Explain?
Blackadder: Pointless.

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Chains - S2-E6

[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.]
Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game?
Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

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Head - S2-E2

Percy: Fashion today is towards the tiny.
Edmund: Well in that case Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

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Bells - S2-E1

Hag: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wise Woman. First, she is...a woman, and second, she is...
Edmund: Wise?
Hag: Oh! You know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

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Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Nurse Mary: Ah, Captain Blackadder. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
Blackadder: No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder - directed according to the Grand Plan.
Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until every-one's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!

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Duel and Duality - S3-E6

Blackadder: Good day, cousin McAdder. I trust you are well.
McAdder: Aye, well enough.
Blackadder: And Morag?
McAdder: She bides fine.
Blackadder: And how stands that mighty army, the clan McAdder?
McAdder: They're both well.

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Dish and Dishonesty - S3-E1

Blackadder: He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

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Plan C: Major Star - S4-E3

Blackadder: A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidently ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.

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Bells - S2-E1

Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.
Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

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Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?
Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that sir?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.

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Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

[Blackadder is interrogating Darling trying to find a German spy.]
Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?

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Plan D: Private Plane - S4-E4

Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!
George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flashheart: No! Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

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Head - S2-E2

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Blackadder: What.
Baldrick: [Pointing to one.] And that one.
Blackadder: [Picking it up.] Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

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Mistakes

Back and Forth: When Blackadder first goes into the time machine to get the items from Baldrick, and the door goes up, you can see a crew member pushing the door closed, wearing a red shirt.

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Trivia

There are in fact two versions of the bonfire scene. Although most countries use the intended censored version (where somebody coughs right as Edmund says the F word) there are a few US editions where you can hear him swearing uninterrupted.

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