Blackadder

Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: You're fired.
Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

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Money - S2-E4

[Blackadder is selling his house. Mr. And Mrs. Pants are looking around.]
Mrs. Pants: Strange smell.
Blackadder: Yes, that's the servant - he'll be gone.
Mr. Pants: You're really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing, it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

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Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: Is the turnip surprise ready?
[Lord Percy and Baldrick start snickering.]
Baldrick: Yes it is, my lord.
Blackadder: Then what is so funny?
Lord Percy: Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy.
Blackadder: A thingy?
Baldrick: A great big thingy. It was terrific.
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed but, that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Baldrick: Yes. Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Good. Because there's nothing less likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy shaped turnip.
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic my lord, because I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
Percy: Absolutely, Edmond. But it was jolly funny.

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Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah. When you call for ale, I pass water.

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Beer - S2-E5

Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

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Money - S2-E4

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

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Potato - S2-E3

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.]
Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage.
Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think.
Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.
Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.
Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.

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Head - S2-E2

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.
Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.
Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?
Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants.

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Money - S2-E4

Blackadder: This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

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Potato - S2-E3

Percy: Oh, come on Edmund. The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing. Oh look, look, there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face.

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Bells - S2-E1

Young Crone: Do have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse full of moneys...which I'm not going to give to you.

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Chains - S2-E6

Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me, Edmund?
Blackadder: Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.
Queen Elizabeth: Explain?
Blackadder: Pointless.

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Chains - S2-E6

[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.]
Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game?
Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

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Head - S2-E2

Percy: Fashion today is towards the tiny.
Edmund: Well in that case Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

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Bells - S2-E1

Hag: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wise Woman. First, she is...a woman, and second, she is...
Edmund: Wise?
Hag: Oh! You know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

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Bells - S2-E1

Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.
Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

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Head - S2-E2

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Blackadder: What.
Baldrick: [Pointing to one.] And that one.
Blackadder: [Picking it up.] Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

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