Quotes from Walter Matthau movies and TV shows - page 3 of 5

Albert Einstein: God does not play dice with the universe, but I will.

Albert Einstein: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Ed Walters: Well what would be the odds of that happening?

Albert Einstein: Catherine is my niece.
Ed Walters: She's your niece?
Albert Einstein: Yes.
Ed Walters: She's... your niece?
Albert Einstein: I can't have a niece?
Ed Walters: But that makes you... her uncle.
Albert Einstein: It works nicely, doesn't it?

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.

Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?
Oscar Madison: Agreed.
Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?
Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.

Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?
Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?

Peaches: I'm having a dinner party Friday night, we're short one man.
Oscar Madison: How about Abe here, he's a short man.
Peaches: You can run Oscar, but you can't hide! See ya.
Oscar Madison: Oh, that's such an original expression. I hate a woman who talks like Muhammed Ali.

Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.

Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.

Brucey Madison: You thinking about moving out here, Pop?
Oscar Madison: To where? Santa Yosinta-Malienta-Poliguenta? I'm not gonna learn another language just to find my way home at night.

Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?

Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo.

Oscar Madison: It took us 2 hours to get here. It's gonna take us 5 hours to go back because I don't know how the hell we got here in the first place. Then we'd have to make three stops: one for you to pee, one for you to let locked in the john, one to pay a kid $5 to get out, and then we'd have to stop again for you to eat. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.
Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?

Oscar Madison: Hello there. What do you want?
Little Boy: Five dollars.
Oscar Madison: Why should I give you five dollars?
Little Boy: Your friend said you would for telling you that he's locked in the bathroom.

Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar.

Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?

Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.