Quotes from Walter Matthau movies and TV shows - page 4 of 5

Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.

Murray: What happened to the apartment?
Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones.

Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind.
Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle.
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room.

Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Oscar Madison: Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.

Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.

Roy: What if he's lying in a gutter somewhere? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.

Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back.
Felix Ungar: Take what back?
Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Felix Ungar: I think I'm crazy.
Oscar Madison: If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.

Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.

Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

Charlie Gordon: Liz... from the first moment I saw you on that ship... it was my intention to lie to you, I swear.
Liz LaBreche: Well, that's sweet.
Charlie Gordon: What I didn't intend, was falling in love with you.

Ben Clark: I'm getting chest pains. You give me chest pains.
Willy Clark: It's my fault you get excited?
Ben Clark: Yes! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays.
Willy Clark: So come Tuesdays.

Willy Clark: Oh, you a funny man, Al, a pain in the ass but a funny man.
Al Lewis: You know what your trouble is, Willy? You always took the jokes too seriously. It was just jokes. We did comedy on the stage for 43 years. I don't think you enjoyed it once.
Willy Clark: If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.

Willy Clark: The finger! The finger.