Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.
Orderly: All right, turn your hearing aids up. I got great news. We're extending arts and crafts by 4 hours today.
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: What's that?
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: Oh, well now your back's gonna hurt, cuz you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone else's fingers hurt? Didn't think so.
Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Happy Gillmore: You're gonna die, clown!
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.
Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
Grandma: How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.
Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
Happy Gilmore: Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Announcer: What a shot by Happy Gilmore! Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?
Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational. I guess it's the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore who's attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch.
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off me!
Chubbs: Just easin' the tension, baby. Just easin' the tension!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
Virginia: What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.
Happy Gilmore: But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old. You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.
IRS Agent: I'm sorry, I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.
Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count on me waiting for you in the parking lot.
Answer: It is an inuendo that Mr. Larson "violated" Shooter for stealing the jacket, which is changed for the TV versions to be cleaner. However, some people insist it's the same for both versions, so it's possible that later DVD releases were changed too.
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