Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore (1996)

18 quotes

Orderly: All right, turn your hearing aids up. I got great news. We're extending arts and crafts by 4 hours today.
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: What's that?
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: Oh, well now your back's gonna hurt, cuz you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone else's fingers hurt? Didn't think so.

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Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.

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Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.

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Happy Gillmore: You're gonna die, clown!

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Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

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Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

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Grandma: How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.

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Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

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Announcer: What a shot by Happy Gilmore! Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

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Happy Gilmore: Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

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Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational. I guess it's the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore who's attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.

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Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch.

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Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off me!
Chubbs: Just easin' the tension, baby. Just easin' the tension!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

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Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.

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Virginia: What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.

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Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.

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Chubbs: They said I would be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy: So what happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me on the pro tour anymore.
Happy: Oh I'm sorry, because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off!
Happy: Oh my God!

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Happy Gilmore: But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old. You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.
IRS Agent: I'm sorry, I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.

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