Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.

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Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.

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Orderly: All right, turn your hearing aids up. I got great news. We're extending arts and crafts by 4 hours today.
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: What's that?
Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.
Orderly: Oh, well now your back's gonna hurt, cuz you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone else's fingers hurt? Didn't think so.

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Happy Gillmore: You're gonna die, clown!

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Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

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Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

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Grandma: How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.

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Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

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Announcer: What a shot by Happy Gilmore! Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

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Happy Gilmore: Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

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Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational. I guess it's the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore who's attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.

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Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch.

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Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off me!
Chubbs: Just easin' the tension, baby. Just easin' the tension!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

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Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.

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Virginia: What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.

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Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.

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Chubbs: They said I would be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy: So what happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me on the pro tour anymore.
Happy: Oh I'm sorry, because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off!
Happy: Oh my God!

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Happy Gilmore: But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old. You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.
IRS Agent: I'm sorry, I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.

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Mistakes

In the beginning of the movie he is not taken onto the hockey team. After he is hustling at the driving range he goes to toughen up. As he is toughening up, Chubbs unplugs the machine. The kid tries it, but he never plugged it back in and the machine still manages to work.

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Trivia

The evil nursing home guy is played by one Ben Stiller, then a rising star, although his role is uncredited.

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