Stan Harris: Nothing beats New York on New Years Eve.
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... Crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?
Rose Narracott: I might hate you more, but I'll never love you less.
Margaret Thatcher: Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, because they become actions. Watch your actions, because they become habits. Watch your habits, because they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. What we think, we become.
Dean Ziegler: There's a separation between religion and insurance. It's in the constitution.
Townsperson: Well, I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.
Jack Mindy: So you can imagine when he arrived a few years back, he was about as popular as a snake in a sleeping bag.
Danny Greene: Why stick our nose in Vietnam? The English have been doing that to the Irish for the last 2000 years. And by the way, how are we gonna pay for it, huh? Deficit spending, my ass! Next thing you know, we'll be going off the gold standard, this country's going to hell.
King John: I am the blood! I am God's right hand! And you will never dictate to me how I am to be a king.
Dr. Sebring: Let's see. The centipede can be considered a phallic symbol. Centipedes are very aggressive creatures. Their bite can be very painful. Maybe he's connecting the pain that a centipede inflicts with the pain inflicted on him through use of psychological and sexual abuse by his father.
Rebecca Evans: You're all mine.
Malcolm: I'm not even wearing a clean pair of Granny panties.
[Fred is moaning, the male cop knocks on the window.]
Male Cop: Are you okay?
Grace: Don't worry. This isn't what it looks like.
Fred: Yeah, it isn't.
Grace: I was giving him a faux-job.
Male Cop: A faux-job?
Female Cop: Yeah, that's when a woman goes south on a man but she doesn't use her mouth. So she uses her hands and makes noises.
Fred: Wait, what?
The Accountant: Wouldn't wanna be you when Satan finds out!
Milton: What's he gonna do, not let me back in?
Matt Franklin: I'm... I'm just messed up, OK? I don't know what I want to do. And I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure.
Bill Franklin: You haven't really failed, son, because you haven't really tried to succeed. So don't credit yourself as a failure. You're worse than that.
Matt Franklin: I just can't figure it out, Dad.
Bill Franklin: Don't cry like that in jail, son.