Father Dyer: May the schwartz be with you.
Ernest P. Worrell: Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
Tinker: I'll be in hell for breakfast.
Eddie Farrell: As Pericles said to the Athenians, "Where do I drain the lizard?"
Billy Covington: I don't wanna crash twice in one day.
Gene Ryack: Don't worry, I crash better that anyone I know.
Barbara Sabich: You're still in love with her.
Rusty Sabich: It was never love.
Barbara Sabich: Then what was it?
Rusty Sabich: It was never love.
Sgt. Virgil Hoogesteger: I know exactly what I'm gonna do.
Richard Rascal Moore: Oh God, Virg, if I have to hear one more word about that stupid restaurant.
Sgt. Virgil Hoogesteger: It's not stupid! At least I've got a plan! What are you gonna do after the war, huh?
Richard Rascal Moore: Come to your restaurant and rob it.
Martian Soldier: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, but we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Soldier: Now would be a great time to start.
Louis: Rent-a-cops! I hate rent-a-cops too.
Violet Kray: I don't think it's possible to love someone too much but I think you can love them in the wrong way.
Patricia: My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.
Genie: Hey, Pop! Give me a five! Get down! Get back! Get real! Get a haircut.
Nora: I say do it. I don't care what, just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me, talk hard.
Screwface: Everybody want go heaven. Nobody want dead. Afraid.
Junior: Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?
Carl Stark: Help me.
Burt Simpson: You got to be kidding.
Judy: Come on, I wanna know how you two met.
Nora: I picked him up in a bar. How's that?
Max: I was drunk, and she was drunk, and I liked her looks so I convinced her to let me bring her home, and I seduced her on the sofa bed, and it was magic, and I keep coming back for more.
Reggie Hammond: Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, poor people would be born with no asshole.