Reggie Hammond: Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, poor people would be born with no asshole.
Colonel Scot McCoy: My turn to teach.
Rosalie Boca: We didn't do it. I swear to God we didn't. We found him outside, on the lawn.
Devo Nod: ...Right outside.
Rosalie Boca: ...He was lying there, someone had shot him, and thrown him on the lawn.
Nadja: Yeah, it was a mess.
Rosalie Boca: ...It was terrible. So we brought him inside and we... we put him in bed... and... yep... It must have been the Mafia.
Lt. Larry Schooner: Mafia?
Devo Nod: The Mafia.
Nadja: Yeah. Joey was Italian.
Rosalie Boca: He is Italian.
Devo Nod: He is Italian.
David Ackerman: You fucking lied to Garcia.
Nick Pulovski: I didn't lie to him. I just didn't tell him the truth.
Lieutenant Laker: He was your superior, wasn't he?
Graham Marshall: No, he was my boss.
Turkell: It must be visiting hours, 'cause my friend is back.
Brian Hope: Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no-one can prove you don't.
Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.
Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made.
Charlie McManus: You think so?
Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Molly: ...you have no respect for women.
Joey: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question.
Molly: I guess.
Joey: We'll forget dinner.
Mike Medwicki: Maybe if you could... you could try and find your mom?
Amanda Sue Bradley: My mom? She threw me away. She threw me away.
Lula: That Johnnie is one clever detective. You know how clever?
Sailor: How clever?
Lula: He told me once he could find an honest man in Washington.
Amy Wallace: You know all your friends from the force? You don't have them anymore.
Carmine Sabatini: I'm getting too old for this nonsense.
Christian 'The Sandman' Naylor: Welcome to Hell.
Frank Sutton: So you're a tough guy, huh?
Harry Madox: No, you're the tough guy. I'm worse.
Loomis: You aren't going to hit me again are you?
Grimm: I haven't hit anybody since I was nine.
Loomis: Yeah, but it was me you hit.
Susie Waggoner: ...And you save your money... and buy a nice little house, with a white picket fence, and live happily ever after.
Frederick J. Frenger Jr.: Tell you what. Let's go straight to the "happily ever after" part, OK?
Detective John Kimble: You should be reading stories about bears that go shopping.
Huey Walker: You know, Buckner, if it hadn't've been for you, I'd be in a warm cell right now.
John Buckner: Yeah, being beaten by a nice, warm, rubber hose.