Clifford Skridlow: Do you have any idea how college faculty members eat? On what we get paid, a free meal is like honey to a bear to these people! They're going to want to eat enough to hibernate on! They're animals.
Frank Ridgeway: Can I help you guys?
Sal Amato: Yeah, tell Tony Eddie and the Cruisers are here.
Q: Welcome back, Mr. Bond. I trust there will be lots of gratuitous sex and violence occurring.
Steff: You're not God, Nickerson. You're just a typing teacher.
Leo Kessler: You go in that courtroom and forget what's legal and do what's right.
Dr. Theodore Cuza: There is a stranger at the Inn, he asks questions... I believe he's connected to the people who pay for the Keep's maintenance.
Dolores: The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
Superior Court Judge Steven R. Hardin: The law. Nothing is right or wrong! It's either the law or its not the law. Well, we got a problem here, because it's not working anymore. It turns out that right and wrong count.
Detective: "Don't F-U-C-K with the L.A.P.D."
Diane: Slater is a dying breed. When she goes the whole species will be extinct.
Charles Halloway: A father should be able to play baseball with his son.
Mrs. Halloway: Baseball's not necessary, not with a heart like yours, he'll forgive you that.
Countess Chandra: Darling?
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, my darling?
Countess Chandra: You're smoking the wrong end.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes... I knew that. You don't have to tell me I am smoking zhe wrong end. Do you know why I am smoking zhe wrong end?
Countess Chandra: No darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You're right! I am smoking on zhe wrong end, because I have a very good reason.
Wendy: Hey waiter! Put shit-face's drink here on Commissioner Gebhart's bill! For piss-sake he's up for re-election next week, you think he needs this shit?
Salvatore Licuti: Let me remind you! This organization is like a... like a house. I'm a brick, he's a brick, and you're a brick. Remove one brick, one brick... the house falls down.
Wolff: What the hell are you?
Nicki: What do you think I am, you scrawny earthbag? I'm a woman.
Geb: Dorothy had already done the centerfold, Miss August. She had already done parts in "Fantasy Island" and "Buck Rogers." Things were moving fast for her. I became very fond of her. She was handling her public visibility very well. She was maturing very fast for 19. But, to me, she was just a friend. Understand? Just a friend.
Rabbi Zalman: It's by their questions that we choose our students, not only by their answers.
Karen Silkwood: What should I wear on the plane?
Angela: Uh, somethin' that won't wrinkle.
Drew Stephens: Yeah, like a shroud, maybe.
Angela: I get sooooo tired of yer jokes.
Joseph Rutter: If you're half the leader I think you are.
King Vidiot: I am half the leader you think I am!