Detective: "Don't F-U-C-K with the L.A.P.D."
Countess Chandra: Darling?
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, my darling?
Countess Chandra: You're smoking the wrong end.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes... I knew that. You don't have to tell me I am smoking zhe wrong end. Do you know why I am smoking zhe wrong end?
Countess Chandra: No darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You're right! I am smoking on zhe wrong end, because I have a very good reason.
Charles Halloway: A father should be able to play baseball with his son.
Mrs. Halloway: Baseball's not necessary, not with a heart like yours, he'll forgive you that.
Salvatore Licuti: Let me remind you! This organization is like a... like a house. I'm a brick, he's a brick, and you're a brick. Remove one brick, one brick... the house falls down.
Wendy: Hey waiter! Put shit-face's drink here on Commissioner Gebhart's bill! For piss-sake he's up for re-election next week, you think he needs this shit?
Judy: Well, you know what they say. Two's company. Three gets us talked about.
Gertrude: We'll always have our memories. The Colonel's dead. Here we are still enjoying his chicken.
Dr. Michael Anthony Brace: Why do you have to die to let go?
Wolff: What the hell are you?
Nicki: What do you think I am, you scrawny earthbag? I'm a woman.
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.
Rabbi Zalman: It's by their questions that we choose our students, not only by their answers.
Captain Chi: Who is laughing like that?
Jaws: Me, sir.
Captain Chi: Do you know what you're going to do?
Jaws: To laugh one thousand times?
Captain Chi: Police, shoot him dead.
Joseph Rutter: If you're half the leader I think you are.
King Vidiot: I am half the leader you think I am!
Mrs. Weinstein: Birdie with the yellow bill hopped upon my window sill, cocked his shining eye and said 'ain't you shamed you sleepy head?'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't.
Fran: Can't what?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't inject you with window cleaner.
Fran: I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It causes your brain to die last.
Fran: I don't mind.