Johnny Depp (back to the J list / D list)

The Mad Hatter: There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter. Which luckily I am.

The Mad Hatter: What a regrettably large head you have. I would very much like to hat it. I use to hat The White Queen, you know. Her head was so small.

The Red Queen: It's tiny. It's a pimple of a head.

The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?

Alice Kingsley: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Alice Kingsley: This is impossible.

The Mad Hatter: Only if you believe it is.

The Mad Hatter: Why is it you're always too small or too tall?

Alice: Hatter, why *is* a raven like a writing desk?

Mad Hatter: I haven't the slightest idea.

Willy Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called canibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Mrs. Gloop: Zen he vil be made into strawberry flavoured chocolate coated fudge?

Willy Wonka: Of course not. I can't let thet happen. Can you imagine Augustus flavoured chocolate coated fudge? Ew.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want one of those squirrels! Get me one of those squirrels!

Mr. Salt: All right dear. Mr. Wonka, how much for one of your squirrels? Name your price.

Willy Wonka: Oh, they're not for sale. She can't have one.

Veruca Salt: Daddy!

Willy Wonka: [impersonating Mr. Salt] I'm sorry, darling, Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.

Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copycat candy making cads?

Grandpa Joe: No, sir.

Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.

Willy Wonka: All right, let's start the tour.

Violet Beauregarde: Wait, don't you want to know our names?

Willy Wonka: I can't see why that would possibly make any difference.

Violet Beauregarde: Are they real people?

Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas. Straight from Loompaland.

Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: Excuse me?

Mr. Teavee: Mr Wonka, I teach high school geography.

Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and what a terrible place it is.

Willy Wonka: This is the puppet hospital and burns unit. It's relatively new.

Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most.

Mike Teavee: There's a big difference between waves and particles. For one thing...

Willy Wonka: [interrupting] MUMBLER! Seriously, I cannot understand a word you're saying!

Charlie: So... if I go with you, to live in your factory, I'll never see my family again?

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Consider that a bonus!

Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home... until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time.

Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box.

Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!

Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!

Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Fight on, Barnabas. Fight on for us.

Barnabas Collins: And fight I shall!

Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?

Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.

Barnabas Collins: What is that?

Dr. Julia Hoffman: It's a lamp.

Barnabas Collins: It looks like a pulsating blood urn...

Barnabas Collins: A woman doctor... what an age this is.

Dr. Julia Hoffman: Is he for real?

Barnabas Collins: What is your age?

Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.

Barnabas Collins: Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those child-bearing hips to good use, lest your womb shrivel up and die.

Barnabas Collins: Tell me, what do you know of Barnabas Collins?

Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Just legends, really. Two centuries ago, a witch turned him into a vampire and locked him away.

Barnabas Collins: What is known of his death?

Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Nothing.

Barnabas Collins: That, madam, is because he never died.

Barnabas Collins: You locked me in a box, for over two hundred years!

Angelique Bouchard: Don't exaggerate, it was only a hundred and ninety-six.

Jack Sparrow: Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?

Lord Cutler Beckett: You're mad!

Jack Sparrow: Well if I wasn't, this would probably never work.

Jack Sparrow: Great! Now we're being followed by rocks.

Davy Jones: Do you fear death?

Jack Sparrow: You've no idea.

Jack Sparrow: William, tell me somethin'. Have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressin' damsel? Or... rather, damsel in distress? Either one...

Will Turner: No.

Jack Sparrow: Well, then you wouldn't be here, would you? So you can't be here! Q.E.D. - you're not really here!

Jack Sparrow: We must fight... to run away!

Jack Sparrow: Send this pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpiece to the brig.

Jack Sparrow: Can't spot it. Must be a tiny thing hiding somewhere behind the Pearl.

Jack Sparrow: I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise. Gentlemen, I wash my hand of this weirdness.

Gibbs: So we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks!

Jack Sparrow: No. If we don't have a key, we can't open whatever it unlocks, so what purpose would be served in finding whatever needs to be unlocked without first having found the key that unlocks it?

Gibbs: So, we're going to find this key?

Jack Sparrow: What good is a key if we have nothing for the key to unlock? Please try to keep up!

Jack Sparrow: Come to join my crew, lad? Well, welcome aboard!

Elizabeth Swann: I've come to find the man I love!

Jack: I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea.

Elizabeth: Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.

Jack: Elizabeth? You know, those clothes do NOT flatter you at all!

Elizabeth: Jack, I know Will set out to find you. Where is he?

Jack: Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but through an unfortunate and entirely unforseeable series of circumstances that have nothing whatsoever to do with me...poor Will was press-ganged into Davy Jones's crew.

Elizabeth Swann: You're a good man, Jack.

Jack Sparrow: All evidence to the contrary.

Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth! [Turns around to face Gibbs] Hide the rum.

Jack Sparrow: Hey Squidhead! I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! Guess what's inside of it?!

Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth, these clothes really don't suit you. It's either a dress or nothing. And I just so happen to have nothing inside my cabin.

Jack Sparrow: You smell funny.

Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.

Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot, yet everyone is always suprised.

Tia Dalma: You know I demand payment.

Jack Sparrow: I brought payment. Look, an undead monkey! Top that.

Jack Sparrow: How'd you get here?

Will Turner: Sea turtles, mate - a pair of them strapped to my ankles.

Jack Sparrow: Not so easy, is it?

Jack Sparrow: You know that feeling you get when you're standing in a high place... sudden urge to jump?... I don't have it.

Jack Sparrow: There'll be dangers along the way... firstly mermaids, zombies... Blackbeard.

Gibbs: All part of the plan, yes?

Jack Sparrow: No.

Jack Sparrow: Have you been there?

Captain Teague: Does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?

Jack Sparrow: Depends on the light.

Angelica: That's hardly appropriate for the first mate.

Jack Sparrow: Was I the first?

Jack Sparrow: Did everyone see that? Because I will NOT be doing it again.

Angelica: What were you doing in a Spanish convent, anyway?

Jack Sparrow: I thought it was a brothel.

Jack Sparrow: You lied to me by telling me the truth?

Angelica: Yes.

Jack Sparrow: That's good! May I use that?

Jack Sparrow: I support the missionary's position.

Jack Sparrow: You walk like a girl.

Angelica: You would know.

Elizabeth Swann: That's it, then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow - you spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum?

Jack Sparrow: Welcome to the Caribbean, love.

Jack Sparrow: But why is the rum gone?

Will Turner: He roped a couple of sea turtles? What did he use for rope?

Jack Sparrow: Human hair. From my back.

Elizabeth Swann: But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you? So we can escape in the same way you did then.

Jack Sparrow: To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone. Unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails [eying Elizabeth's chest] hidden in that bodice. Unlikely! Young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him.

[Barbossa is about to kill Will, but Jack shows up.]

Barbossa: It's not possible!

Jack Sparrow: Not probable.

Will Turner: Where's Elizabeth?

Jack Sparrow: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word, really. Except for Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.

Jack Sparrow: I'll tell ya mate, if every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted. [Sees woman.] Scarlett!

[Scarlett slaps Jack's face and walks away.]

Jack Sparrow: Not sure I deserved that. [Another woman walks over.] Giselle!

Giselle: Who was she?

Jack Sparrow: What?

[Giselle slaps Jack's face and walks away.]

Jack Sparrow: I may have deserved that.

[Later in the film, Jack removes someone's hat to reveal a woman underneath.]

Jack Sparrow: Anamaria!

[Anamaria slaps Jack's face.]

Will Turner: I suppose you didn't deserve that one either.

Jack Sparrow: No. That one I deserved.

Jack Sparrow: No! Not good! Stop! Not Good! What are you doing? You've burned the food, the shade. The rum.

Elizabeth Swann: Yes, the rum is gone.

Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?

Elizabeth Swann: One, because it's a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over 1,000 feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me. Do you really think there is even the slightest chance they won't see it?

Jack Sparrow: But why is the rum gone?

Jack Sparrow: Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it's the honest ones you have to watch out for, you never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid.

Jack Sparrow: Now you can either accept that your father was a pirate and a good man, or me I could just leave you there to drown. Your choice.

Jack Sparrow: One question about your business, boy, or there's no use going: This girl... how far are you willing to go to save her?

Will Turner: I'd die for her.

Jack Sparrow: Oh good. No worries then.

Rango: Stay in school, eat your veggies, and burn all the books that ain't Shakespeare.

Rango: Reptiles gotta stick together, brother.

Buford: I'm an amphibian.

Rango: Ain't no shame in that.

Rango: I think the metaphor broke my spleen.

Rango: We can control it! Like a monkey's bladder!

Rango: I'm going to slice your face off and use it to wipe my unmentionables!

Lotterman: How does anyone drink 161 miniatures?

Paul Kemp: Are they not complimentary?

Paul Kemp: What's your name?

Chenault: Let's keep that a secret.

Paul Kemp: But I don't even know it.

Chenault: Then you'll keep it even better.

Paul Kemp: I thought you said you had a TV.

Sala: No, the guy across the alley has a TV. I have binoculars.