Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear.
Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear.
Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you deer? You look like Bambi's father.
Aunt Esther: We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.
Fred Sanford: You gonna to have this baby on purpose?
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.
Fred Sanford: I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?
Lamont Sanford: What's the matter with you, man?
Fred Sanford: Didn't you read the paper?
Lamont Sanford: No. What happened?
Fred Sanford: Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.
Lamont Sanford: I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.
Fred Sanford: Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.
Woody Anderson: What race?
Fred Sanford: Human.
Bubba: Say Fred, that's one of them Superman suits ain't it?
Fred: Superfly Bubba, Superfly.
Fred Sanford: For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.
Fred Sanford: We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?
Lamont Sanford: The oven don't work.
Fred Sanford: Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or.
Lamont Sanford: Would you stop that?
Fred Sanford: Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."
TV Announcer: Coming up next is a new show about today's teenagers entitled, "All in the Family Way."
Fred Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Grady, why are you my friend?
Grady: I don't know.
Fred Sanford: I don't know either.
Grady: Oh, hi... um... uh... who are you?
Aunt Esther: Esther, fool.
Grady: Hi, Estherfool.
Grady Wilson: Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.
Aunt Esther: Oh he did huh?
Grady Wilson: Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.
Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day.
Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?
Fred Sanford: All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it?
Lamont Sanford: 41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland.
Fred Sanford: Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.
Lamont Sanford: So we're gonna do like Moses?
Fred Sanford: No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.
Fred Sanford: Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia.
Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
Lamont Sanford: This is a pea coat.
Bubba: Did you know that when you bought it?
