Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.
Joe Hackett: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.
Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex: Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform.
Roy Biggins: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?
Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett: I am not going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and don't flatter yourself.
Brian Hackett: I saw this on the Twilight Zone one time, all we have to do, is stop time.
Helen: Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy Biggins: No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.
Brian Hackett: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy Biggins: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian Hackett: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah.
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore."
Antonio: No.
Lowell Mather: There must be a really good movie playing. She keeps calling me asking if I'm up for a little matinée.
Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian Hackett: Well, obviously, she doesn't.
Brian Hackett: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaaaabs.
Roy Biggins: You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?
Antonio: Deflate her?
Roy Biggins: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed and use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that.
Roy Biggins: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.
Lowell Mather: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.
Roy Biggins: Forget it. I'm not... I'm not in the mood.
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: You?
Lowell Mather: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.
Roy Biggins: I was so good, I screamed out my own name.
