Quotes from Julia Louis-Dreyfus movies and TV shows

Eva: I don't usually park in front of your house. I usually just drive by.
Albert: Sometimes I drive by your house, too.
Eva: You do?

Albert: So while you were, uh, being torn, she was poisoning our relationship and poisoning your perception of me. Now why would you want that?
Eva: I don't know, I mean, except maybe I was trying to protect myself, you know, because, you know, we've both been married before. And you know how things can turn out.
Albert: What about us? What about protecting us?
Eva: I didn't protect us.

Eva: Did they just turn the music louder.
Albert: No, I think you just got older.

Eva: I'm tired of being funny.
Albert: Me too.

Eva: You have, like, eighty million toothbrushes.
Albert: I do?
Eva: Yeah.
Albert: I only use one of them.
Eva: Then why don't you just throw the other ones out?
Albert: I don't know. Because they're my friends?

Eva: Oh, the Container Store?
Albert: Yes, yes, the Container Store. The store that sells crap so you can put your crap in so you can go out and buy some more crap.
Eva: I love that store. I love crap.

Jack Lawrence: He was lying to me, but he made me feel good.
Carrie Lawrence: What do you mean he lied to you?
Jack Lawrence: Lied right to my face. Big-time lie.
Carrie Lawrence: How do you know?
Jack Lawrence: I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time.

The Wait Out - S7-E23

Elaine: The thing about George is, he's an idiot.

The Good Samaritan - S3-E20

Elaine: What does it mean anyways, "God bless you"? It's a stupid stuperstition.
Jerry: A stupid what?
Elaine: Whatever.

The Good Samaritan - S3-E20

George: Well, she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Jerry: Get together?
George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me.
Elaine: Married women don't "get together", they have affairs.
George: Oh my God, an affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

The Bizarro Jerry - S8-E3

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Well, would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool looking.

The Chinese Woman - S6-E4

Jerry: Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: Oh no...
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don't you see what's going on here? No boxers, no Jockeys.
Elaine: [move back away from Kramer.] Ohhh.
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine. Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

The Big Salad - S6-E2

Elaine: Maybe there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No. There's not. There's less.
Elaine: Well, maybe there is and we just don't know it.
Jerry: No, trust me. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

The Wink - S7-E4

Elaine: So you're saying that 95% of the population is undateable?
Jerry: UNDATEABLE!
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

The Handicap Spot - S4-E22

[Jerry and Elaine found out that the TV that they gave to Drake and his girlfriend was given to his girlfriend after they broke up.]
Jerry: We're not getting that TV back.
George: What do you mean? I mean you gave it to them, we get it back.
Elaine: The Drakette took it.
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs, there's no hers. It should be ours.