Dale Putley: Do you know who I am? I am the cowboy with the Village People, Bob, if I don't get back there, it's just gonna be "Y-M-_-A!"
Jack Lawrence: What do you do for a living?
Dale Putley: Uh, I teach English as a third language at the Jewish Community Center.
Jack Lawrence: He was lying to me, but he made me feel good.
Carrie Lawrence: What do you mean he lied to you?
Jack Lawrence: Lied right to my face. Big-time lie.
Carrie Lawrence: How do you know?
Jack Lawrence: I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time.
Rose: Where do you like to stay?
Jack Lawrence: My house, but it's in Los Angeles.
Jack Lawrence: You're a tragic hero. You're Lou Gehrig.
Dale Putley: Who?
Jack Lawrence: Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Dale Putley: Wow, what are the odds on that?
Scott: I feel like such a loser.
Dale Putley: Come on, Scott, you're still young! Being a true loser takes years of ineptitude.
Nikki: Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.
Dale Putley: That was lovely.
Jack Lawrence: Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.
Dale Putley: Jack, look at this.
Jack Lawrence: It's money. I remember it from when I was single.
Dale Putley: I'm an actor. A writer at large. I produce plays, things from my soul. But it's avant-garde, very experimental.
Jack Lawrence: You mean with guinea pigs?
Dale Putley: $5,000 in cash. What is he doing with $5,000 in cash?
Jack Lawrence: He stole it.
Dale Putley: Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion?
Jack Lawrence: Okay, he won it in a hair-whirl contest.
Scott: Why are you doing this?
Jack Lawrence: We're your fathers.
Scott: I stole that money.
Jack Lawrence: Okay.
Scott: From drug dealers.
Dale Putley: ARE you nuts?
Jack Lawrence: Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them.
Scott: I spent it.
Jack Lawrence: You spent IT? he spent money from drug dealers.
Dale Putley: Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a few times.
Jack Lawrence: You know what? Take my car.
Dale Putley: You're giving me your car, Jack? That's so Elvis of you.
Jack Lawrence: Not to keep. To take the airport. I'll have one of my interns pick it up in the morning.
Dale Putley: You want me driving your car?
Jack Lawrence: It's just a thing. It's a priceless, irreplaceable thing.
Dale Putley: For years I've thought about killing myself. It's the only thing that kept me going.
Dale Putley: Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
Lee: No, all we need is money, mate.
Dale Putley: Come on Jack.
Jack Lawrence: Whoa, where are you going?
Dale Putley: Kick some ass.
