Quotes from Matt LeBlanc movies and TV shows

Sanford Shamiro: You called up your stalker?
Matt LeBlanc: Right.
Sanford Shamiro: The one we got the restraining order for.
Matt LeBlanc: Yeah.
Sanford Shamiro: Did you have sexual relations with her?
Matt LeBlanc: Mm, does anal...?
Sanford Shamiro: Yeah, it counts.

The One With Frank Jr. - S3-E5

[After Joey's just drilled through a wall very close to Chandler's head, Chandler runs into the living room.]
Joey: Oh, did I get you?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

[Joey spells "Pleh" on the ground with sticks.]
Monica: What's "Pleh"?
Joey: That's "Help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air.
Monica: Huh. What's "Doofus" spelled backwards?

The One with George Stephanopoulos - S1-E4

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, OM-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Oh Ross, I'm sorry.

The One With Joey's Big Break - S5-E22

Joey: [to Ross.] Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Ross: [Looks disgusted.] Dude!
Joey: Oh, sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Joey: How you doin'?

The One With All The Resolutions - S5-E11

Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Okay, fine. [Pause.] You don't know!
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!
Joey: [gasps.] YOU KNOW!

The One Where Ross Dates a Student - S6-E18

Ross: I would date her, but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it - when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No, that's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Joey: You don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler: I don't know what that's like? Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."

The One With the Baby on the Bus - S2-E6

Joey: Ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

The One Where Joey Moves Out - S2-E16

Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!

The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

[After eating Rachel's English trifle-Shepherd's pie combo.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good.

Super Grover ★

The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream, and beef! I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn't. I ate that.
Judy: And we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: No. Got it, [nods to Jack] and got yours, too.

Super Grover ★

The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. Yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper" skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

The One With The Video Tape - S8-E4

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

The One Where Rosita Dies - S7-E13

Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: Why would you wanna do that?
Rachel: So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent pla...
Rachel: And your lap does not count.

Rachel Green: Oh my God, I'm Kip.
Joey Tribianni: You're not Kip.
Rachel Green: Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey Tribianni: Who cares? You're Rachel. Who's Kip?
Chandler Bing: Kip was my old roommate.
Joey Tribianni: Oh, THAT poor bastard.

Joey: Who says wine has to cost more than milk?

Brad ★

Joey and the Dream Girl (2) - S1-E9

Michael: You're a hot girl. Hot girls get stuff for free.
Joey: Yeah, it's true. It's in the Constitution.
Alex: Look, I know what I am. I'm not a hot girl. I'm cute.
Michael: You're a hot girl that doesn't know she's hot. Joey was telling me about those.
Alex: No, I know hot girls. My sister is one of them.
Michael: "The even hotter sister" – one of four ways a girl doesn't realise she’s hot. Along with "went to a girls' school", "used to be fat", and "is blind."
Joey: You have learned well, young Michael.