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Fun Run - S4-E1

Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not, like, this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

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Fun Run - S4-E1

Michael Scott: I ran down Meredith with my car.
Ryan Howard: Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be-
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan: I don't, I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?
Ryan: [sighs].

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Phyllis' Wedding - S3-E15

Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me. I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss.

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Casino Night - S2-E22

Michael Scott: And another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's...uh...you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And Hooters is catering. Is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: [long pause] Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, ever time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate, so much, about the things that you choose to be.

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Valentine's Day - S2-E16

Michael Scott: Well, here we go, on our way to New York. New York, New York. The city so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

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Resurrection - S1-E9

Penny Robinson: Just so I'm clear, we spent the night in what is essentially an alien toilet?

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Impact - S1-E1

The Robot: Danger, Will Robinson.

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Performance Review - S2-E8

Michael Scott: Can I ask you a question?
Jan Levison: No.
Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal. I promise.
Jan: Fine.
Michael: Are you wearing new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael: Well, you're wearing it in the office. And...[sniffs Jan]...It... I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.

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The Dundies - S2-E1

Jan Levison: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael Scott: No reason! It was the 05-05-05 party. It happens once every billion years.
Jan: And you had a luau. And the tsunami relief fundraiser, which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a fun raiser. I think I made that very clear in the flyers. Fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami fun raiser, Michael.

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Diversity Day - S1-E2

Michael Scott: Stir the pot! Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam Beesly: [To Dwight with the "Asian" card on his forehead] Okay. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man, am I a woman?

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Hell is Other Robots - S1-E9

[At the Beastie Boys concert.]
Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint.

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Operation: Broken Feather - S1-E15

Adam Sandler: This is terrible, you don't know what you're doing.
Jake Peralta: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now, about the Russian revolution.
Jake Peralta: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha ha. It's a serious movie...Trotsky.
Jake Peralta: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. [To the guy next to him] I think you're going to like it.
Jake Peralta: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

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Deadpool: You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? With an eye patch and saucy little leather number? Go. Go. Oh! But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. For the sequel, we're going to have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're going to cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Mel Gibson. Dolph Lundgren. Keira Knightley. She's got range, who knows. Anyways, big secret. Shhh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go.

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A Dark Knight: Queen Takes Knight - S4-E11

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, you're fired.

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Mr. Monk and the Red Herring - S3-E10

Nurse: You're looking for someone to start right away?
Monk: That's right.
Nurse: What would my hours be?
Monk: 9 a.m...
Nurse: Until?
Monk: Until one.
Nurse: 1 p.m.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.

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Chester: Who are you guys?
Zarnoff: My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff.

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Street Thug: You got a light, buddy?
Mick Dundee: Yeah, sure, kid. There you go.
Street Thug: [Opens a switchblade] And your wallet.
Sue Charlton: Mick, give him your wallet.
Mick: What for?
Sue: He's got a knife.
Mick. Ha ha ha. That's not a knife. [Pulls out his 16" Bowie knife]. That's a knife.

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Jerry: [Talking about The Lion King] It's deeply deep. 'Cause the uncle kills the nephew's father.
Old Lady: Which is his brother.
Jerry: That's his brother. He kills his own brother, right? That's some heavy Shapeskearean shit.
Mike: [laughs]
Jerry: What's funny?
Mike: Shape...nothing.

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Karen: Do you know what this means? We're in the kill zone of a black caiman.
Florence: A black gay man?
Karen: Do you, do you really think that's what I just said?
Florence: I don't know. It sounded like you said...
Karen: You think this is a kill zone of a black gay man?
Florence: Well, anything sounds stupid when you say it like that.

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Frank Drebin: Faster than you could say spread 'em, I was inside the cold, gray walls of Statesville Prison. I was surrounded by pimps, rapists, and murderers. It was like being in the stands of a Los Angels Raiders game.

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