Abby: You killed Bin Laden?
Lt. Muldoon: I put two in his heart, one in his computer.
Wray: So that was you.
Sheriff Hague: Don't shoot yourself. Don't shoot each other. And especially... don't shoot me.
Trailer voiceover: Don't.
Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE okay in MY book, or and in MY book THAT'S no good. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE going in THE book TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.
Stuntman Mike: The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep.
Cherry: It's go go, not cry cry.
'Thanksgiving' Announcer: White meat, dark meat. All will be carved. thanksgiving.
Pam: So how exactly does one become a stuntman?
Stuntman Mike: Well, in Hollywood, anyone fool enough to throw themselves down a flight of stairs can usually find someone to pay them for it. But really, I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
Pam: How's that?
Stuntman Mike: My brother got me in it.
Pam: Who's your brother?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Bob.
Sheriff Hague: Give him the gun. Give him all the guns.
Henchman: Please, Father. Have mercy.
Priest: God has mercy. I don't.
Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment cause we're gonna do some stupid shit, but that's ok, cause we're stunt people, we ain't got good sense, but you've got good sense, and anybody with good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doin'.
Zoe: I'll be your slave. I'll do anything you want... I'll even crack your back.
Kim: You'll do that anyways.
Zoe: Yes, but this time, you won't even have to ask, you can just say "Bitch, do it" and I'll do it.
Wray: So what are you going to do now?
Cherry: I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.
Wray: You're not funny.
Cherry: That's what I keep trying to tell everybody but they all say I'm hilarious.
Wray: But you're not.
Cherry: There's a difference between being frank... and being dick.
Stuntman Mike: Well Pam, which way you goin' left or right?
Stuntman Mike: Aww, that's too bad.
Stuntman Mike: Well, because there was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left too and if that was the case, it would have been awhile before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately.