Fielding Mellish: Blood! That should be on the inside.
Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Fielding Mellish: Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
Judge: You're out of order.
Fielding Mellish: We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.
Fielding Mellish: Just how long will it be until I can go back to New York?
Esposito: After we win the revolution, we are free.
Fielding Mellish: And when is the revolution?
Esposito: Six months.
Fielding Mellish: Six months? I got a rented car.
Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
Nancy: I know just what you mean.
Fielding Mellish: You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.
Fielding Mellish: You busy tonight?
Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?
Norma: Oh, you're cute. I'm busy.
Nancy: I was just saying to someone the other day that the Scandinavians seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.
Fielding Mellish: That's very wise, you know. That's, I think, pithy.
Nancy: Oh, it was a - pithy. It had... great pith.
Fielding Mellish: Yeth. Pith.
Nancy: Pith?
Howard Cosell: Sir, you've been shot! When did you know it was all over?
Nancy: I want to go and work with pygmies in Africa... and I want to work with lepers in a leper colony. I don't think that you.
Fielding Mellish: I'm willing to... No, that's perfectly OK. I love leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera. I like all the major skin diseases.
Diaz: And now, as is our annual custom, each citizen of San Marcos will come up here and present his Excellency with his weight in horse manure.
General Emilio M. Vargas: Horse manure? I thought they were diamonds.
Diaz: We are an agrarian country.
General Emilio M. Vargas: Yes, but horse.
Diaz: You will fertilize your personal crops. Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.
Roger Grimsby: Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at six. Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.
Prosecutor: Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.
Miss America: I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country because his views are different from the views of the President and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but not when they're too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.
Fielding Mellish: Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
Nancy: I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding.
Fielding Mellish: Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?
Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old.
Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?
Fielding Mellish: I'm doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.
Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
Rebel Leader: You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?
Diaz: Guilty... with an explanation.
