Susan Orlean: Aww, I wish I were an ant. Awww, they're so shiny.
John Laroche: You're shinier than any ant darlin'.
Susan Orlean: That's the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me.
John Laroche: Welp, I like ya', that's why.
John Laroche: Who's gonna play me?
Susan Orlean: Well, I've gotta write the book first, John. Then, you know, they get somebody to write the screenplay.
John Laroche: Hey, I think I should play me.
Susan Orlean: You FAT piece of shit. He's dead.
Charlie Kaufman: Shut up.
Susan Orlean: You loser. You've ruined my life, you FAT fuck.
Charlie Kaufman: Fuck you lady. You're just a lonely, old, desperate, pathetic drug addict.
Charlie Kaufman: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Susan Orlean: I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately.
Donald Kaufman: A little push, push in the bush.
John Laroche: Sometimes bad things happen and darkness descends.
Charlie Kaufman: ...But a little fantastic and fleeting and out of reach.
Robert McKee: Then what happens?
Charlie Kaufman: That's the end of the book. I wanted to present it simply without big character arcs or sensationalizing the story. I wanted to show flowers as God's miracles. I wanted to show that Orlean never saw the blooming ghost orchid. It was about disappointment.
Susan Orlean: There are too many ideas and things and people. Too many directions to go. I was starting to believe the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size.
Charlie Kaufman: Mr. McKee?
Robert McKee: Yes.
Charlie Kaufman: I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.
Robert McKee: I need more.
Charlie Kaufman: There are no rules, Donald. And anyone who says there are is just, you know.
Donald Kaufman: Not rules, principles. McKee writes that a rule says you must do it this way. A principle says, this works and has through all remembered time.
Charlie Kaufman: To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. Okay, so I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana-nut. That's a good muffin.
Charlie Kaufman: We open on Charlie Kaufman. Fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant, across from Valerie Thomas, a lovely, statuesque film executive. Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment, wanting to impress her, sweats profusely. Fat, bald Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his hand held tape recorder, and he says: "Charlie Kaufman. Fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits at a Hollywood restaurant with Valerie Thomas."
Donald Kaufman: Hey, Charles. I pitched my script to mom.
Charlie Kaufman: Don't say pitch.
Charlie Kaufman: The book has no story. There's no story.
Marty: Alright. Make one up.
Charlie Kaufman: You and I share the same DNA. Is there anything more lonely than that?
Charlie Kaufman: My leg hurts, I wonder if it's cancer? There's a bump. I'm starting to sweat. Stop sweating. I've got to stop sweating. Can she see it dripping down my forehead? She looked at my hair line. She thinks I'm bald. She.
Valerie Thomas: We think you're great.
Charlie Kaufman: Oh, wow, thanks. Well, that's nice to hear.
Donald Kaufman: Okay, well here's the twist. We find out that, that the killer really suffers from multiple personality disorder, right? See, he's actually really the cop and the girl. All of them are him. Isn't that fucked up?
Susan Orlean: Can I ask you a personal question?
John Laroche: Look, we're not lost.
Donald Kaufman: Charles, you'll be glad. I have a plan to get me out of your house, pronto.
Charlie Kaufman: A job is a plan. Is your plan a job?
Donald Kaufman: Drum roll, please. I'm gonna be a screenwriter. Like you.
