Dwight Ingalls: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Coach Harris: Fuck you too.
Dwight Ingalls: You can't talk to students like that.
Coach Harris: Fuck you! Now suit up.
Trevor: I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.
Bill Smith: The first rule is: Never sleep with anyone who's crazier than you are. I don't know if you're crazier, but you're right up there on the top 10 of my weird list, lady.
Louise Baltimore: If you knew me better, I'd be number one.
King Arnulf: Now, I want you to be absolutely, totally, genuinely honest with me. Did you really, truly, honesty like it?
Erik: ...No.
King Arnulf: They didn't like it! Oh my God! I want to die.
Capt. Fairbourne: If you were a communist how could you be king?
Learoyd: Only a communist would think of it.
Emmett Foley: When you come back a certified hero... it kind of raises people's expectations. Makes them think you're a big guy.
Pastor: Can I ask what your interest is in finding such a book?
Giles Redferne: Our interest lies in stopping those who would see all good falter. It lies in stopping the powers of misrule from coming of age. It lies in finding that damned book, and thwarting a vile beast of a man who shall not rest until God himself is thrown down, and all of creation becomes Satan's black hell-besmeared farting hole.
Kassandra: You asked.
Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.
Nicholas Dimente: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?
Nicholas Dimente: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a Boy Scout with rabies?
Ian McKenzie: Justice and law, Mr. Du Toit, are often just... well they're, I suppose they can be described as distant cousins. And here in South Africa, well, they're simply not on speaking terms at all.
Putnam: All right, I'm looking for a couple of kids. This one's a mental case, have you seen them?
Pinball Teen: Does he dress like you?
Putnam: No.
Pinball Teen: Then he can't be too much of a case, all right?
Arnie Fromson: You can't do this. You can't abuse yourself.
John Belushi: Look, I don't pay you to be my best friend. I don't ask you what you do after six o'clock, don't ASK ME! nobody tells ME what to DO.
Arnie Fromson: You can't tell me what to do with you either. I'm not talking about business now, John. I'm talking about your life.
Aatos Laitila: If it gets any colder we'll need dynamite to break up the cheese.
Arvi Huhtala: Let Russian artillery do it for us.
Col. Jason Grant: Oh, Christ. That's what we are - spare parts.
Alexandra Page: I didn't even read the questions, I just took a number 2 pencil and filled in the bubbles as fast as I could.
Christopher Wooden: What did you put for sex?
Alexandra Page: Occasionally.
Marylou Summers: The Devil was a werewolf... Wow, that's incredible.
Koster: Alright you bunch of pussies! I'm back and I'm kicking ass.
Garfield: Why someone would murder a 23-year-old college professor was beyond me. Maybe he delivered just one too many lectures on the Boxer Rebellion. Stranger things have happened in this town.