Felix Unger: Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.
Felix Unger: Everything you've ever owned is on that bed.
Oscar Madison: You ruined my wine.
Felix Unger: Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.
Felix Unger: What are you doing?
Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.
Felix Unger: With beer?
Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.
Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.
