Christopher Titus: Marriage is sacred, my dad said marriage is sacred, aaahhhh.
Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom.
Ken Titus: Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with.
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light.
Christopher Titus: He was laughing because you were trying to get into Heaven.
Christopher Titus: My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'.
Christopher Titus: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that.
Christopher Titus: I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Dave: You got me a joint as a going away present?
Christopher Titus: Smoke it on the bus, Dave.
Christopher Titus: Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
Christopher Titus: In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can.
Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Ken: You knew and you let them shave me?
Christopher Titus: I knew and I got them to shave you.
Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay?
Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry.
Christopher Titus: If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend.
Christopher Titus: Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them.
