Erin Fitzpatrick: You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin Fitzpatrick: Everybody knows that.
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me.
Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Christopher Titus: Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her".
Ken Titus: Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with.
Christopher Titus: After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
Ken: You knew and you let them shave me?
Christopher Titus: I knew and I got them to shave you.
Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light.
Christopher Titus: He was laughing because you were trying to get into Heaven.
Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay?
Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry.
Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the freaks.
Christopher Titus: If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend.
Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Christopher Titus: My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'.
Christopher Titus: Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them.
Christopher Titus: My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that.
