Christopher Titus: Cain slew Abel... oh, happy, happy Cain.
Christopher Titus: Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies.
Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat.
Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's your point?
Christopher Titus: I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Christopher Titus: If Dad's gay, then look up, because Jesus is a'comin'.
Amy Fitzpatrick: Chew my boob, homo.
Tommy Shafter: Whip it out.
Dave: You got me a joint as a going away present?
Christopher Titus: Smoke it on the bus, Dave.
Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Christopher Titus: Erin starts every morning by saying the word happy ten times. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, pfft, urk.
Erin (Age 5): Mommy, smoking causes cancer.
Erins Mom: Mommy wants cancer, honey. Because of your daddy.
Erin (Age 5): Happy, happy, happy happy.
Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.
Ken "Papa" Titus: Tuck and roll, wussy.
Christopher Titus: Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Christopher Titus: Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them.
Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history.
Christopher Titus: Marriage is sacred, my dad said marriage is sacred, aaahhhh.
Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
Christopher Titus: In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can.
Christopher Titus: Dave once got so high, he actually remembered being born.
Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom.
