Quotes from Harry Shearer movies and TV shows

Keen Hacksaw: 4.5. Is that her score or the reading on the Ritcher scale?

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Rosebud - S5-E4

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours Springfield!
[The Ramones perform "Happy Birthday To You" for Mr. Burns.]
CJ Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

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Homer Defined - S3-E5

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes - S12-E6

Agnes: Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Principal Skinner: No, mother.
Agnes: You sissy.

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The Old Man and the Lisa - S8-E21

[Mr. Burns is grocery shopping for the first time and sees Krusty getting a box of Krusty O's]
Mr. Burns: Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?
Krusty: Sorry Pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
Mr. Burns: [Looking at a box of Count Chocula] Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

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In Marge We Trust - S8-E22

Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put a cardboard box over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face." I didn't even know he had a problem.

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A Star is Burns - S6-E18

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent. [Snarls].
Mr. Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Ex. Cell. Ent.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Homer: Exactly. Heh heh. D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Next.
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excelente!
Señor Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

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Mountain of Madness - S8-E12

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

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Bart Star - S9-E6

Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].

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Homer the Smithers - S7-E17

Mr. Burns: Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers [begins dialing], S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name: Waylon
Moe: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! Okay!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

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Homer vs. Dignity - S12-E5

Mr. Burns: You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay."

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Homer the Smithers - S7-E17

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent." 714 names! Ha, better be more specific. "Lazy, clumsy, dimwitted, monstrously ugly." [The computer again displays 714 matches.] Ah, nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

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Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? - S3-E24

Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Last Exit to Springfield - S4-E17

Mr. Burns: Who's that man?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Ehh...doesn't ring a bell.

22 Short Films About Springfield - S7-E21

Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

And Maggie Makes Three - S6-E13

[Maggie is being born.]
Homer: Aw, it's a boy! And WHAT a boy!
Dr Hibbert: That's its umbilical cord. It's a girl.

A Star is Born-Again - S14-E13

Ned Flanders: It's so nice to shop for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a woman was a casket.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song - S5-E19

Principal Skinner: I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done, and then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? [The scene jumps forward in time.] It was on the best-seller list for 18 months. Every magazine cover had it... [The scene jumps forward in time again.]...one of the most popular movies of all time, sir. What were you thinking? I mean thank you, come again.

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Grade School Confidential - S8-E19

Principal Skinner: The bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been canceled, due to confusion.

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Miracle on Evergreen Terrace - S9-E10

Mr. Burns: Does anyone have change for a button?

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