David Dobel: Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks..." But they can't help you, Falk, because life is what it is.
Quotes from Woody Allen movies and TV shows - page 3 of 8
David Dobel: The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she is crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.
David Dobel: ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.
Jerry Falk: Religion? You're an atheist.
David Dobel: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.
David Dobel: You know, Falk, if a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, you can always find some people who will call it art.
David Dobel: What you don't know, won't hurt you, it'll kill you. Like if they tell you you're going to shower but they turn out not to be showers.
David Dobel: Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?
Jerry Falk: Fear of death.
David Dobel: That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Fielding Mellish: Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
Judge: You're out of order.
Fielding Mellish: Blood! That should be on the inside.
Nancy: I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding.
Fielding Mellish: Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?
Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old.
Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?
Fielding Mellish: Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
Nancy: I want to go and work with pygmies in Africa... and I want to work with lepers in a leper colony. I don't think that you.
Fielding Mellish: I'm willing to... No, that's perfectly OK. I love leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera. I like all the major skin diseases.
Fielding Mellish: You busy tonight?
Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?
Norma: Oh, you're cute. I'm busy.
Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
Nancy: I know just what you mean.
Fielding Mellish: We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.
Fielding Mellish: I'm doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.
Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
Nancy: I was just saying to someone the other day that the Scandinavians seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.
Fielding Mellish: That's very wise, you know. That's, I think, pithy.
Nancy: Oh, it was a - pithy. It had... great pith.
Fielding Mellish: Yeth. Pith.
Nancy: Pith?
Fielding Mellish: You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.