Dick Jokes - S2-E11
Dick: You know, it's a remarkable feeling to be able to make someone else laugh. It's almost as if you have the power to get inside their brain and, and tickle it.
Harry: Pssh. I could do that with a chopstick.
Dick: Imagine how different war would be if instead of trying to kill each other, people just showed up armed with jokes.
Sally: But you could still have guns, right? Because, you know, eventually you'd stop laughing and want to get on with the killing.
Don: Congratulations, Dick, you got yourself a hell of a rhymer. I mean, I've tried to rhyme, you know. There was a dog who sat on a log, his name was...Rog? That sorta thing. Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.
Dick: So you like the the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
Don: Yeah.
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I think I'm going to have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her, sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate is a strong word, but not strong enough.
Dick and the Single Girl - S2-E24
Harry: You know, I bet I could write a killer "X-Files."
Tommy: I could write one in my sleep.
Harry: I could write one hanging upside down.
Tommy: I could write one with a crayon.
Harry: I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
Dick: I wanna watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one!?
Tommy: Fine then, we will. Come on, Harry.
Harry: Yeah, come on.
Dick: Good, and when it's on TV I'll talk all through the damn thing and see how you like it! (00:01:35)
Orderly: Who are you today, Doc? Einstein?
Lord John Whorfin: Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be mistaken for somebody else.
Lord John Whorfin: She'll live, but only for a while... and she won't enjoy it.
Lord John Whorfin: Where are we going?
The Red Lectroids: Planet Ten.
Lord John Whorfin: When?
The Red Lectroids: Real soon.
Lord John Whorfin: Shut up, Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know.
Lord John Whorfin: Home... home is where you wear your hat... I feel so breakup, I wanna go home.
Lord John Whorfin: John O'Connor, install my Oscillation Overthruster.
Lord John Whorfin: Will somebody turn off that gosh darn klaxon?
Lord John Whorfin: May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined.
Lord John Whorfin: Barney, I'm going home... with my overthruster.
Lord John Whorfin: Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.
Eric Qualen: Kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Travers: Get off my back, Qualen.
Qualen: Off? I haven't even got on it... yet.
Eric Qualen: Travers, have you lost your mind?
Travers: Have I lost it? Fuckin-A, I've lost it, Qualen! Pure fucking Section Eight.