Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows - page 4 of 5

Lucille: But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.
Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Cab Driver at Barn: That'll be $1.10.
Groucho: Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar "ten".
Groucho: All right, give "me" the dollar, I'll keep the change.

Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho: This program is coming to you through the courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company with three stores, 125th street, 125th street and 125th street. You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.

Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.
Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Chico: What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.
Groucho: Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.
Chico: I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.

Groucho: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.
Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Groucho: Sorry, I can't stay. The captain's waiting to chase me.

Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.

Henderson: You live here all alone?
Otis B. Driftwood: Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit.
Henderson: Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four.
Otis B. Driftwood: That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.

Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello: Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Henderson: What's a hermit doing with four beds?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you see those first three beds?
Henderson: Yes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's fine. If that steward's deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here.

Otis B. Driftwood: Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?
Fiorello: It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Otis B. Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.
Mrs. Claypool: Really?
Otis B. Driftwood: Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good.

Otis B. Driftwood: And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

Otis B. Driftwood: Was that a high C, or Vitamin D?

Henderson: Say! Now, how did those two beds get together?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.

Otis B. Driftwood: I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's cheques will probably come back to her in the morning.