Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows - page 3 of 5

Mrs. Teasdale: I want you to meet a very charming lady.
Rufus T. Firefly: And it's about time.

Rufus T. Firefly: Hey! Do you want to be a public nuisance?
Chicolini: Sure! How much does the job pay?

Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Ambassador Trentino: I didn't come here to be insulted.
Rufus T. Firefly: That's what you think.

Ambassador Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Rufus T. Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

S. Quentin Quale: Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.

S. Quentin Quale: There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?
Joseph Panello: Sue 'em.

S. Quentin Quale: I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

S. Quentin Quale: You love your brother, don't you?
Joseph Panello: No, but I'm used to him.

S. Quentin Quale: Time wounds all heels.

Joseph Panello: My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two.
S. Quentin Quale: Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.

Red Baxter: I don't like your faces.
S. Quentin Quale: I suppose you think we like 'em.

Groucho: Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I'm going to have lunch.

Groucho: I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all.

Groucho: And you can say it was a real love match. We married for money.
Madame Swempski: Oh, you impudent cad.
Groucho: Eh, my shrinking violet? Say, it wouldn't hurt you to shrink thirty or forty pounds.
Madame Swempski: I'll report you to your paper.
Groucho: I'll thank you to let me do the reporting. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Groucho: If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

Groucho: With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What's the matter?
Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.