Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows - page 3 of 4

Cab Driver at Barn: That'll be $1.10.
Groucho: Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar "ten".
Groucho: All right, give "me" the dollar, I'll keep the change.

Groucho: Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I'm going to have lunch.

Lucille: But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.
Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What's the matter?
Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.

Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

Groucho: With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Groucho: If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Groucho: And you can say it was a real love match. We married for money.
Madame Swempski: Oh, you impudent cad.
Groucho: Eh, my shrinking violet? Say, it wouldn't hurt you to shrink thirty or forty pounds.
Madame Swempski: I'll report you to your paper.
Groucho: I'll thank you to let me do the reporting. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

Groucho: I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all.

Otis B. Driftwood: That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone.
Henderson: You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.
Otis B. Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Otis B. Driftwood: Signor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.

Otis B. Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
Mrs. Claypool: Yes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested.

Lassparri: What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all of those people? You're fired! Do you understand? You're fired.
Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?
Lassparri: Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs? Get out.

Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello: Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Fiorello: What'll I say?
Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here.
Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.

Otis B. Driftwood: Hello toots.
Mrs. Claypool: Well. What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's box.
Otis B. Driftwood: He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. He couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.

Henderson: Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here?
Otis B. Driftwood: Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?

Mrs. Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.

Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.