Otis B. Driftwood: Signor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.
Henderson: Say! Now, how did those two beds get together?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.
Otis B. Driftwood: You know the old saying. Two's company, five's a crowd.
Otis B. Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
Mrs. Claypool: Yes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested.
Otis B. Driftwood: Was that a high C, or Vitamin D?
Otis B. Driftwood: Ladies and gentlemen... I guess that takes in most of you.
Lassparri: What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all of those people? You're fired! Do you understand? You're fired.
Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?
Lassparri: Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs? Get out.
Otis B. Driftwood: And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
Mrs. Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.
Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello: Sure, those five kids up in Canada.
Otis B. Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.
Mrs. Claypool: Really?
Otis B. Driftwood: Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good.
Henderson: Say, what's that bed doing there?
Otis B. Driftwood: I don't see it doing anything.
Fiorello: What'll I say?
Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here.
Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.
Otis B. Driftwood: Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?
Fiorello: It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.
Otis B. Driftwood: It's none of my business, but I think there's a brace of woodpeckers in the orchestra.
Otis B. Driftwood: Hello toots.
Mrs. Claypool: Well. What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's box.
Otis B. Driftwood: He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. He couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's fine. If that steward's deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here.
Manicurist: Did you want your nails long or short?
Otis B. Driftwood: Better make them short. It's getting pretty crowded in here.
Henderson: Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here?
Otis B. Driftwood: Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?
