Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows

Rufus T. Firefly: I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.

Rufus T. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army.
Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realise our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini: I've done it already.
Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what?
Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.

Rufus T. Firefly: I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Rufus T. Firefly: I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Rufus T. Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Chicolini: I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

Bob Roland: This letter's the work of Trentino. The man is trying to undermine you. Now what are you going to do about it?
Rufus T. Firefly: I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

Rufus T. Firefly: Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.

Rufus T. Firefly: Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you.

Ambassador Trentino: I didn't come here to be insulted.
Rufus T. Firefly: That's what you think.

Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Rufus T. Firefly: Hey! Do you want to be a public nuisance?
Chicolini: Sure! How much does the job pay?

Mrs. Teasdale: I want you to meet a very charming lady.
Rufus T. Firefly: And it's about time.

Ambassador Trentino: I've said enough, I'm a man of few words.
Rufus T. Firefly: I'm a man of one word: Scram.

Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Ambassador Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Rufus T. Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure.

Rufus T. Firefly: Chicolini, I need you badly right now. What'll you take to come back and work for me again?
Chicolini: I'll take a vacation.
Rufus T. Firefly: Good, you're hired.

Ambassador Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Rufus T. Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

Rufus T. Firefly: Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Rufus T. Firefly: How would you like a job in the mint?
Chicolini: Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh, what other flavor you got?

Freedonia's Secretary of War: How about taking up the tax?
Rufus T. Firefly: How 'bout taking up the carpet?
Freedonia's Secretary of War: I still insist we must take up the tax.
Rufus T. Firefly: He's right, you've gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.