Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows - page 5 of 5

Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

Mrs. Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.

Henderson: Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here?
Otis B. Driftwood: Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?

Otis B. Driftwood: Hello toots.
Mrs. Claypool: Well. What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's box.
Otis B. Driftwood: He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. He couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.

Fiorello: What'll I say?
Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here.
Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.

Otis B. Driftwood: You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you?
Fiorello: Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it.
Otis B. Driftwood: Did you get anything for it?
Fiorello: Uh... dollar forty.
Otis B. Driftwood: That's my suit all right.

Lassparri: Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, watermelons are out of season.

Otis B. Driftwood: That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone.
Henderson: You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.
Otis B. Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Otis B. Driftwood: Signor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.

Otis B. Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
Mrs. Claypool: Yes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested.

Otis B. Driftwood: You know the old saying. Two's company, five's a crowd.

Otis B. Driftwood: Ladies and gentlemen... I guess that takes in most of you.

Mrs. Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.

Henderson: Say, what's that bed doing there?
Otis B. Driftwood: I don't see it doing anything.

Otis B. Driftwood: It's none of my business, but I think there's a brace of woodpeckers in the orchestra.

Manicurist: Did you want your nails long or short?
Otis B. Driftwood: Better make them short. It's getting pretty crowded in here.

Engineer's Assistant: I'm the engineer's assistant.
Otis B. Driftwood: You know I had a premonition you were going to show up. The engineer's right there in the corner. You can chop your way right through.

Henderson: The last time I was in this room there were four beds here.
Otis B. Driftwood: Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.

Otis B. Driftwood: Do they allow tipping on the boat?
Steward: Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got two fives?
Steward: Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you.

Lassparri: What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all of those people? You're fired! Do you understand? You're fired.
Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?
Lassparri: Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs? Get out.