Gwen: Everyone hates me, everyone wants a piece of me. My therapist is out of the country, I wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone.
Kiki: I bet you've never read a book in your life.
Gwen: Ha! I read all four of the Harry Potter books.
Kiki: You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.
Lee: Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?
Kiki: Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.
Lee: Does this have something to do with Gwen?
Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
Davis: Ted Kaczynski.
Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?
Lee: The Unabomber.
Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Lee: Ladies and gentlemen, here they are... Eddie and Gwen, together again! America's Sweethearts.
Hector: What? I'm not invited to the "hunket?"
Lee: I'm thorry, it wath the thudio'th dethithion.
Wellness Guide: We have a saying, Edward: "Mecka lecka halava, beem sala beem."
Eddie: What is that? Bean salad?
Wellness Guide: "Mecka lecka halava, beem sala beem."
Eddie: What does that mean?
Wellness Guide: I don't know what it means, it's very old.
Gwen: It's just not fair. There's all this pressure on me, and none whatsoever on Eddie, is there? He's probably all Summer having the time of his life.
Lee: They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project."
Gwen: Just smile and shut up.
Lee: Okay, Siegfried and Roy just left the building. They're heading for the pool deck.
Danny: Siegfried and Roy are here?
Lee: No, not the real Siegfri... It's a code. You wanted to play this game, you little schmuck.
Narrator: Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: America's Sweethearts.
Eddie: That's a nice necklace.
Kiki: It's not really mine.
Eddie: I know.
Kiki: It's Gwen's.
Eddie: I know.
Kiki: She gave it to me.
Eddie: And I gave it to her.
Kiki: I know.
Hector: Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.