Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six Million Dollar Man.
Lee Majors: Santa, is there a back way outta this place?
Santa Claus: Of course there is Lee, but this is one Santa who's going out the front door.
Lee Majors: Look, it don't matter a hill of beans what happens to me but the world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you. Now stay put.
Santa Claus: Oh that's very nice of you, Lee. And Lee... You've been a real good boy this year.
Mrs. Claus: Yes you sure have.
Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck.
Claire Phillips: That's the one good thing about regret: it's never too late. You can always change tomorrow if you want to.
Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off base here?
Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.
Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
Frank Cross: I get it. You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. When he saw his mother... Niagara Falls.
Claire Phillips: Taxi! Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Which floor?
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Seven o'clock. Psychos seize Santa's workshop and only Lee Majors can stop them.
Herman: Boy, that Dick sure knows how to drink, huh?
Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?
Herman: I'm sorry, Mr. Burton, I guess we don't know you well enough yet to call you Dick.
Frank Cross: We're gonna need champagne for 250 people, and send the stuff that you send to me. Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.