Lou: I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.
Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work... 'My back hurts, ' 'my legs ache, ' 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better.
Earl Cross: Here Francis, I've got something for you. Merry Christmas.
Frankie Cross: A choo-choo train?
Earl Cross: No, it's five pounds of veal.
Frankie Cross: But Daddy I asked Santa for a choo-choo.
Earl Cross: Then go out and get a job and buy a choo-choo.
Frank Cross: We have spent forty million dollars on a live TV show. You guys have got an ad with America's favorite old fart reading a book in front of a fireplace!
Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
Daughter: Mom, when are we gonna get a real Christmas tree?
Grace: When they're free.
Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck.
Claire Phillips: Taxi! Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Which floor?
Frank Cross: I get it. You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. When he saw his mother... Niagara Falls.
Frank Cross: We're gonna need champagne for 250 people, and send the stuff that you send to me. Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel.
Frank Cross: I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Go back to Jersey, you moron.
Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six Million Dollar Man.
Lee Majors: Santa, is there a back way outta this place?
Santa Claus: Of course there is Lee, but this is one Santa who's going out the front door.
Lee Majors: Look, it don't matter a hill of beans what happens to me but the world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you. Now stay put.
Santa Claus: Oh that's very nice of you, Lee. And Lee... You've been a real good boy this year.
Mrs. Claus: Yes you sure have.
Frank: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Clause have here?
Grace: Eleven.
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Seven o'clock. Psychos seize Santa's workshop and only Lee Majors can stop them.
Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a christmas show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are really looking.
Frank Cross: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank Cross: Towel and a facecloth.
Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off base here?
Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.
