Matt Douglas: I hate these funerals. It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on.
Aide: I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir.
Matt Douglas: Oh, well, then it might not be so bad.
Russell Kramer: Did you ever have one of her pizzas?
Matt Douglas: Oh.
Russell Kramer: It was like a wet dream with a crust.
Matt Douglas: A wet dream?
Russell Kramer: Huh?
Matt Douglas: I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.
Wayne: I'm not ashamed to say it, I've slept with both those guys.
Genny: Wel... uh, I'm sorry about that, sir. We're Republican.
Matt Douglas: Well, at least you can admit it. That's the first step towards recovery.
Matt Douglas: A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook. How dare he?
Joanna: Well, you know, when he was President, he did cook for his guests all the time.
Matt Douglas: That's not the point. Did George Washington write a book called "Your Wooden Teeth and You?" Did William Howard Taft write "Thirty Days To A Slimmer Ass?" It's shameful, just shameful.
Margaret Kramer: Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so... George Bush.
Margaret Kramer: Don't say "freaking", Russ. If you have to use the "F" word, go for the gold.
Russell Kramer: Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.
Matt Douglas: Russell, I have just one thing to ask... when you dance with a panda, who leads?
Russell Kramer: Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.
Russell Kramer: When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls.
Greg: Sir, uh, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing.
Matt Douglas: Why don't you guys just relax? Take a night off. Go rent "In The Line of Fire" again.
Russell Kramer: When it comes time for a rest, there's no place like Cleveland.
Russell Kramer: There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three.
Matt Douglas: Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.
Matt Douglas: Just get out of the chopper.
Russell Kramer: What?
Matt Douglas: Get out of the chopper.
Russell Kramer: The crops?
Matt Douglas: GET OUT.
Tanner: Hello, sirs. No need for concern. It's only me... the twisted psycho.
Matt Douglas: Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow.
Russell Kramer: I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man.
Matt Douglas: Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.