Hansel: I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.
Hansel: What's the dealio, yo?
Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys.
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
Matilda: I became.
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?
Maury Ballstein: The designer's got your nuts in a vice! He's offering you three percent for every pair of underwear sold! what ARE you gonna DO.
Kids: Screw Him! Hold out for more.
Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realise "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
Derek Zoolander: So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me, son. You're even more dead to me than your dead mother.
Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
Derek Zoolander: I'm not an ambi-turner.
Derek Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Hansel: You is talking loco and I like it.
Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
Mugatu: As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte.
Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: Honestly?
Hansel: Yes.
Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Matilda: What?
Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
Derek Zoolander: Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
