Heather: This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
Michele: OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.
Heather: Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or yourself? Braindead redneck asshole.
Ramon: You have to say something nice about my penis.
Romy: Oh, Ramon! Your penis is so powerful! I'm coming! Okay, thanks, get off me now.
Michele: Oh my God, you did it.
Romy: Yeah, I did.
Michele: What did you have to do?
Romy: I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.
Michele: Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.
Romy: Michele?
Michele: What?
Romy: Do you really think I would do that? For a car? Just get in.
Michele: O.K.
Michele: Sandy Frink has a helicopter?
Romy: Yeah, apparently he's worth millions. He invented some kind of rubber.
Michele: Like for condoms?
Michele: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
Michele: Did you lose weight?
Romy: Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented. All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns.
Michele: God, I wish I had your discipline.
Romy: Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?
Heather: No. No one. Thank you.
Michele: You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman like thirty-six times, I never get tired of making fun of it.
Heather: OK cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game... If you fuck with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?
Michele: Let's fold scarves.
Romy: You have absolutely no proof that you're cuter.
Michele: Oh, proof. You want proof? Ok, fine. Who lost their virginity first?
Romy: Oh, big wow, with your cousin Barry. I wouldn't brag about it.
Michele: Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy: Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.
Michele: You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge.
Michelle: What are you picking on us for any way? We are not the ones who got fat.
Christie: We're pregnant, you half-wit.
Michelle: Oh yeah? Well, I hope your babies look like monkeys.
Michele: You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny.
Michele: Hey Romy, remember Mrs. Divitz's class, there was like always a word problem. Like, there's a guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going like, you know, some other miles, and how long does it take him to get to town? It's like, 'Who cares? Who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?
Romy: The reunion is less than two weeks away. I just can't believe that you turned down a job.
Michele: Well, I thought the whole point of going to the reunion was to impress people. I mean, how am I gonna impress anybody by selling ban-lon smocks at Bargain Mart?
Michele: I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda.
Romy: YOU'RE the Rhoda, you're the Jewish one.
Romy: I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele: That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?
Answer: She tries to get on a dating show that airs on MTV. She is over the age limit for contestants and the lady tells her to try VH1 as a joke.
Summermusic27