Jim Carrey (back to the J list / C list)

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.

Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?

Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]

Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

The Riddler: Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Who's afraid of the big black bat?

The Riddler: Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.

Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now, because I choose to be.

The Riddler: Now, the real game begins.

Val Kilmer: Wait I have a riddle for you.

The Riddler: For me? Really? Tell me.

Val Kilmer: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Oh please. You're blind as a bat!

Val Kilmer: Exactly!

The Riddler: Did anyone ever tell you you have a serious impulse control problem?!

Bruce: God, why do you hate me?

Ebenezer Scrooge: What do you want with me?

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'd rather not.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'm light as a feather! Merry as a schoolboy!

Ebenezer Scrooge: I see you wear a scabbard but no sword.

Ghost of Christmas Present: Indeed! Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.

Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.

Harry: Oh.

Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

Harry: Where did you get 25 extra bucks?

Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy Enforsee.

Harry: The blind kid?

Lloyd: [Laughing] Yeah, yeah.

Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?

Lloyd: You know, stuff.

Harry: What kinda stuff?

Lloyd: Few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, (coughs) Petey.

Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd, wh- he- wha- Petey didn't even have a head!

Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it.

Lloyd: What do you mean you don't bet? Wussy! Wussy!

Harry: I never have and I never will.

Lloyd: Yeah, right. I bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day.

Harry: No way.

Lloyd: I give you three to one odds.

Harry: No.

Lloyd: Five to one?

Harry: No.

Lloyd Ten to one?

Harry: You're on.

[Lloyd and Harry both shake hands and smile.]

Lloyd: I'm gonna get you.

Harry: Nuh-uh.

Lloyd: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you.

Harry: Nuh-uh.

Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning?

Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Lloyd: So what happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?

Harry: No, it was a girl.

Lloyd: Oh!

The Grinch: Any calls?

Grinch's Answering Machine: You have no messages.

The Grinch: Odd. Better check the outgoing.

Grinch's outgoing message: IF YOU UTTER SO MUCH AS ONE SYLLABLE, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key.

The Grinch: Hmm. Hmm. Oh well.

Cindy Lou Who: Santa, what's the meaning of Christmas?

The Grinch: VENGEANCE! I mean... presents... I suppose.

The Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But there's something I just cannot stand in least... Oh no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME!

The Grinch: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - and on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?

The Grinch: That's what it's all about right? That's what it's always been about! Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! Do you know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me...in your garbage. Do you see what I'm saying here? IN YOUR GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump! And the avarice...[points to mayor] The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs!" "I want diamonds!" "I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored, and send it away to make glue!" Look, I don't wanna make waves here, but this WHOLE Christmas season is STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! There is however, one teeny, tiny, Christmas tradition that I find quite meaningful [snatches mistletoe from ring case] Mistletoe. [Turns around and shouts] SO PUCKER UP AND KISS IT, WHOVILLE!

Fletcher Reede: New in the building?

Woman in elevator: Yes. I just moved in Monday.

Fletcher Reede: Oh. Do you like it so far?

Woman in elevator: Oh yes. Everyone's been real nice to me.

Fletcher Reede: Well, that's because you have big jugs.

[Both the woman and Fletcher are totally shocked at what he just said.]

Fletcher Reede: I mean your boobs are huge. I mean I want to squeeze them.

[Still aghast at what he's saying.]

Fletcher Reede: Mama.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher Reede: It depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don't we just start from the top?

Fletcher Reede: Here it goes. I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at an intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher Reede: [Forced] No. I have unpaid parking tickets.

Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: Why?

Fletcher Reede: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher Reede: Good call!

Homeless Drunk: Do you have any spare change mister?

Fletcher Reede: Yes, I do.

Homeless Drunk: Well, can I have some?

Fletcher Reede: No!

Homeless Drunk: Why not?

Fletcher Reede: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to my office without being confronted by the decay of Western society. Plus, I'm cheap!

Miranda: That was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher: I've had better.

Truman Burbank: Good morning! And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Carl Allen: I do want to take guitar lessons. I do want to learn how to fly. Yes, I would like to learn Korean.

Tweed: Can you explain why you were at the airport buying a ticket with no luggage?

Carl Allen: You know it was a spur of the moment trip.

Tweed: Yeah I was just explaining to my partner here how much I've always wanted to see Lincoln, Nebraska.

Terrence Bundley: What was that you said?

Carl Allen: No.

[Terrence hits him with his mic]

Carl Allen: Yes?

Allison: Are you stalking me?

Carl Allen: No, I would never do that. Oh by the way, the new furniture looks great from the yard.

Carl Allen: Hey Carl... you wanna give your money away to some homeless guy? Yes, yes I do. How 'bout letting him use up the phone battery so that you can't get help when your car runs out of gas? You know what? That sounds like a fuckin' great idea!