Liar Liar (1997) - 21 quotes

Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?

Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

Fat Coworker: Hey, what's up, Fletcher?

Fletcher: Your cholesterol, fatty!

Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?

Dana: Fine, thank you.

Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.

Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Driver: What's your problem, schmuck?

Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Audrey: Where were you?

Fletcher: Having sex.

Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!

Fletcher: No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.

Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.

Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Max Reede: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.

Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

Fletcher: No! I'd have got him ten.

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?

Samantha: Sympathy.

Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Jane: Do you like my new dress?

Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

Max Reede: Is wrestling real?

Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Fletcher: Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.

Miranda: That was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher: I've had better.

Homeless Drunk: Do you have any spare change mister?

Fletcher Reede: Yes, I do.

Homeless Drunk: Well, can I have some?

Fletcher Reede: No!

Homeless Drunk: Why not?

Fletcher Reede: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to my office without being confronted by the decay of Western society. Plus, I'm cheap!

Fletcher Reede: New in the building?

Woman in elevator: Yes. I just moved in Monday.

Fletcher Reede: Oh. Do you like it so far?

Woman in elevator: Oh yes. Everyone's been real nice to me.

Fletcher Reede: Well, that's because you have big jugs.

[Both the woman and Fletcher are totally shocked at what he just said.]

Fletcher Reede: I mean your boobs are huge. I mean I want to squeeze them.

[Still aghast at what he's saying.]

Fletcher Reede: Mama.

Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: Why?

Fletcher Reede: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher Reede: Good call!