Homeless Drunk: Do you have any spare change mister?

Fletcher Reede: Yes, I do.

Homeless Drunk: Well, can I have some?

Fletcher Reede: No!

Homeless Drunk: Why not?

Fletcher Reede: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to my office without being confronted by the decay of Western society. Plus, I'm cheap!

Fletcher Reede: New in the building?

Woman in elevator: Yes. I just moved in Monday.

Fletcher Reede: Oh. Do you like it so far?

Woman in elevator: Oh yes. Everyone's been real nice to me.

Fletcher Reede: Well, that's because you have big jugs.

[Both the woman and Fletcher are totally shocked at what he just said.]

Fletcher Reede: I mean your boobs are huge. I mean I want to squeeze them.

[Still aghast at what he's saying.]

Fletcher Reede: Mama.

Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: Why?

Fletcher Reede: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher Reede: Good call!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher Reede: It depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don't we just start from the top?

Fletcher Reede: Here it goes. I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at an intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher Reede: [Forced] No. I have unpaid parking tickets.