Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Aguado: Hey. Hey, Ventura. Make any good collars, lately?

Cop: Or were they leashes?

[Everyone laughs at Ace. Ace laughs and turns around.]

Aguado: Uh-oh!

[Aguado sees a bug scampering across the floor and steps on it.]

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?

Ace: That's a good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds, porking his wife.

Sexy Woman: Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?

Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There was some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.

[The woman interrupts Ace by kissing him.]

Sexy Woman: Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

Ace: Gee, let me think. Um, sure.

Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]

Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?

Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.