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Zee: What is your problem?
DJ: Puberty. Yeah, I'm having lots and lots of puberty.

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Lord Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Lord Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Lord Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Lord Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't
Lord Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Lord Helmet: When.
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Lord Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

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Doug #2: [seeing Doug #1] Is that it?
Dr. Leeds: No. I'm afraid you're it.
Doug #2: What do you mean? I can't be it. You mean, you think I'm the clone?
Dr. Leeds: That's right.
Doug #2: I can't be the clone, I'm me. He's gotta be the clone.
Doug #1: No, see I'm, I'm me. I'm me. I'm me, right?

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Haru: Holy Shinto.

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Tutti: For now you can keep your pants on for now, Mr. Parnell. Just remember one thing, I'll be back.
Joe: Oooh gee.
Tutti: What? Did I embarrass you?
Joe: 'I'll be back'? Please!
Tutti: I heard a cop say it once.
Joe: Cops don't say that. Terminators say that.

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Carolyn McAdams: You know, you're cute. Did a girl ever tell you that before?
David Freeman: Nobody but my mom, but I don't think she counts.

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Joe Dirt: So, you're gonna tell me, that you don't have no black cats, no Roman candles, or screamin' mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You don't got no lady fingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zip-a-dee-do-dahs, crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a firework stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honker lighters, huskers dus, husker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whisking kitty chaser?

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Sleep'N Eat: Years ago, I married a widow who had a grown up daughter. My daddy visited us often, fell in love, and married her. Thusly, he became my son-in-law and my step-daughter became my mother because she was my father's wife. That's right. After that, my father's wife gave birth to a son who became my brother and my grandchild, because he was the son of my daughter. I ain't jiving! Now, accordingly, my wife was my grandmother because she was my mother's mother. Mantan, I was my wife's husband and grandchild at one and the same time. And lo and behold, as the husband of the person's grandmother is a grandfather, I became my goddamn own grandfather.

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Mrs. White: He didn't actually seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. [Rolls eyes].

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Johnny 5: He locked you up? He did not smash, crush, dent, mangle you?
Fred: No, he just wanted us out of the way.
Johnny 5: Sure, kidnap the humans, destroy the machines.

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Fred: Okay, Ace? I get your arm working, you can do the rest yourself, right?
Johnny 5: Kay-O, Derf.
Fred: Fred.
Johnny 5: That's what I said. Derf.

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Serge: Now, one thing's very important. At the survival boutiqua, I feel that it's my personality, that's it's my philosophy that everything must conform to the three P's, OK? Which is, protection. Prestige. And pretty. I mean, why should you look ugly if you're just trying to survive?

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Rocket Raccoon: [looking at Stan Lee.] Look at Mr. Smiles over here. Where's your wife, old man? What a class-A prevert.

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Rocket: Look at this guy! Can you believe they call us criminals when he's assaulting us with that haircut.

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Albert Gibson: You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys are going to be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry.

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Lance Barton: I got roaches. Who here got roaches?
Man in Audience: Everybody got roaches, man. It's Harlem.

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Sgt. Bilko: It's the odometer Wally, it says 12,000 miles and it should say 11,000 miles. Tony here drove it to Lake Tahoe over the weekend to go to his grandmother's funeral.
Walter Holbrook: Oh, I'm sorry, Tony.
Sgt. Bilko: When I say "go to his grandmother's funeral", I mean visit his niece. And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend. Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.

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Sgt. Bilko: Luis Clemente. This guy is smart, very smart. He has an IQ.

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The Good Samaritan - S3-E20

George: Well, she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Jerry: Get together?
George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me.
Elaine: Married women don't "get together", they have affairs.
George: Oh my God, an affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

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The Good Samaritan - S3-E20

Elaine: What does it mean anyways, "God bless you"? It's a stupid stuperstition.
Jerry: A stupid what?
Elaine: Whatever.

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