Bishop73

Crusade - S9-E19

Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right, hold the phone. And I and I ask this not 100% sure that I want to know the answer. Whose baby is it?
Vala Mal Doran: That's the thing. I don't know.
Lt. Col. Carter: As in...?
Vala: I swear, I did none of the necessary bits. Between my arrival in the Ori galaxy and my wedding night, which was definitely after I knew for sure, there is no way humanly possible that I know of that I could've gotten pregnant. [Long pause] Someone going to say something? Anybody?
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation?
Vala: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
[Mitchell and Carter look at each other]
Mitchell: Well...There's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
Mitchell: Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.
Carter: You were?

Bishop73

Citizen Joe - S8-E15

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Samantha Carter: No. No, you didn't, sir.
Jack O'Neill: I didn't?
Daniel Jackson: You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite...relaxing.

Bishop73

The Other Guys - S6-E8

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

Bishop73

Redemption (1) - S6-E1

General Hammond: Ah, Jack! Come in. Colonel, you know Colonel Chekov, the Russian envoy to the SGC.
Colonel O'Neill: We've met.
Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, sir.
Hammond: Colonel?
O'Neill: I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm pretty sure I'll say "bite me."
Hammond: Colonel, would you excuse us?
Chekov: General. [Walks out the room]
O'Neill: [To Chekov] So sorry.

Bishop73

Revelations - S5-E22

Heimdall: As a race, the Asgard reproduce exclusively through a process of enhanced cellular mitosis.
Samantha Carter: Are you serious? You have no other means of propagation?
Heimdall: No.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
Carter: They're clones, sir. All of them.
O'Neill: Ah. Well, that answers a few questions.
Heimdall: In fact, for nearly a thousand years we have been physically incapable of achieving cell division through meiosis.
O'Neill: [Confused, looks at Carter] Hmm?
Carter: [Whispering] Sexual reproduction, sir.
O'Neill: Ah. [To Heimdall] A thousand years?
Heimdall: It is usually not something we discuss with other races.
O'Neill: This I understand.

Bishop73

Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Peter DeLuise: You realise this is not a real show, right?
Michael DeLuise: What are you talking about? You're saying the "Wormhole Extreme" is not a real show? We did all this...all this is-
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, it's not a real show. It's a fake show.
Michael DeLuise: Does my agent know about this?
Peter DeLuise: [As the Director] You're heroic... and just look over here at this eye line over there.
Michael DeLuise: This isn't a real show?
Peter DeLuise: No. It's not a real show.
Michael DeLuise: If it's not a real show, then why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show if we're doing it right now? Am I getting paid real money?
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, you're getting paid real money.
Michael DeLuise: Well...I... Whoa. So, what plane of reality are we on right now?

Bishop73

Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Christian Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader in the feature film.

Bishop73

Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Yolanda Reese: [Speaking to the Director and Martin] Guys.
Martin: Ah, miss Reese.
Reese: Uh, I'm having a little trouble with scene 27. It says that I'm out of phase, which means that I can pass my hand through solid matter, or I can walk through walls.
Director: Yeah, yeah. 'Cause you're "out of phase."
Martin: Um, exactly.
Reese: So...how come I don't fall through the floor?
[Martin and the Director stare at Reese, then each other, then back at Reese].
Martin: We're gonna have to get back to you on that one.

Bishop73

Desperate Measures - S5-E11

Homeless Man: You a cop?
Colonel O'Neill: Air Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Homeless Man: I was in 'Nam.
Colonel O'Neill: Yeah? What company?
Homeless Man: Vacation. A long time ago.

Bishop73

Chain Reaction - S4-E15

Senator Kinsey: I read the mission reports that come out of that mountain. You play with the fate of this planet on a daily basis.
Colonel O'Neill: I'm doing the job I was asked to do. I doubt very much your constituents could say the same about you.
Senator Kinsey: Oh, please. Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
Colonel O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.

Bishop73

Watergate - S4-E7

Major Carter: How do you know about the SGC?
Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on all of you.
Colonel O'Neill: The question was how?
Dr. Markov: I learned to read English at the age of 6. It was not difficult.
Colonel O'Neill: Russian humor.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk is the Best Man - S8-E13

Randy Disher: I think somebody's trying to scare you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but why? I mean, it doesn't track. If the guy wants a piece of me, if he wants to hurt me, why doesn't he come at me? What's all this cat and mouse crap?
Disher: So who's on your short list?
Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Disher: Or both.
Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Dog - S8-E11

Monk: Your aunt Natalie's out front, so she'll probably give you a ride home.
Anne Marie: You said $5.
Monk: Right. Oh, do you have change for a $100?
Anne Marie: Yes.
Monk: Really? Then you won't need my five.

Bishop73

Conner - S2-E6

Conner: Krypto...I have a feeling we're in Kansas.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk On Wheels - S7-E11

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at that. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Randy Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: A former what?
Randy: A former cop shooter.
Vince: You mean he use to shoot cops?
Randy: No he shot someone who use to be a cop.
Vince: Why didn't you say that?

Bishop73

Mr. Monk's 100th Case - S7-E7

Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like a verbal root canal.
Hal: Excruciating.
James Novak: How did you feel when he arrested you?
Hal: I actually...I was feeling sorry for him. I felt like he was the village idiot or something. It was humiliating.
Jimmy: Until that there summation thing.
Hal: Oh my god. The summation. I love when people tell me what I've already done.
Joey: Droned! Just, ugh, longest four minutes of my life.
Hal: I mean, I know what I did. I killed her. I didn't need him to tell me.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Is on the Run (1) - S6-E15

County Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispering to his lawyer].
Monk's Lawyer: Um, with the court's permission. Could you make it an even million?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies - S6-E13

Dr. Kroger: So, uh, a glass eyeball, huh?
Monk: The mother died three months ago. The son never reported it.
Dr. Kroger: Wait, did the son kill the mother?
Monk: The doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body. He carried her from room to room like nothing happened.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. See, he couldn't function without her. They call it "radical cognitive bonding."
Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger. Yes. And I've always been very proud of you for that.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm - S5-E14

Jimmy Belmont: Well, here I am. You wanna ask me something, go right ahead.
Monk: OK. What's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Babba.
Jimmy: What makes you think I'd actually...
Monk: Magic Dragon, Bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Doctor Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Railroad Weed. That's right, the Devil's Parsley. Skunk. Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy: Side Salad?

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy - S5-E15

Julie Teeger: There you go. You're online.
Monk: Oh... Oh... I'm on the web! The World Wide Web.
Julie Teeger: Welcome to 1998, Mr. Monk.

Bishop73