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Mauricio: The point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch and Lomb. And very fat, some of them. It's like Hal has lowered his whole...Jesus, you've got a big noggin.
Tony Robbins: Thanks for noticing. I have a new book out, it's got a chapter on blurting. You might wanna pick it up.

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Buddy Ryan: But I'm feeling much better now.

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Attachments Included - S8-E16

Dan Fielding: Please, most of these ads are lies anyway. Look, the learned eye can read between the lines. Look, for instance this one. Even tempered, fun-loving woman. That means she's pudgy. Outdoorsy woman with a zest for the good life. Flab-o-rama. Vivacious gal, loves big band music and dining out. Ladies and gentlemen, the Goodyear blimp.

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The Last Temptation of Mac - S6-E6

Harry Stone: How the hell did you get down?
Irwin: Well we must have been up at least a couple thousand feet when the Air Force picked up Winkie on their radar screens and shot us down.
Bull Shannon: Those gutless bunny killers.
Irwin: I guess to them we looked like a Soviet MiG. Oh, I'd be a sidewalk pizza if it hadn't been for that awning on the Weatherbee Hotel.
Mr. Barsotti: An awning broke your fall?
Irwin: Are you kidding? Mr. Barsotti, I bounced off it right into this big fall clearance banner on the front of the store across the street. Which, which flung me on to the top of a passing bus. The driver took a sharp turn at Battery Park and threw me off. Right to a bed of chrysanthemums. That's what broke my fall.
Harry Stone: Irwin, you've gotta be the luckiest man in the world.
Irwin: No. Dan Quayle is.

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Dan, the Walking Time Bomb - S5-E12

Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, my client was provoked by an antagonistic neighbor who insisted on playing his stereo loudly at all hours of the night.
Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the plaintiff clearly had no malicious intent bomb in my briefcase to antagonize the defendant. The plaintiff had no previous bomb in my briefcase complaints from other neighbors. Therefore, I would like to cite the precedent of Becca versus bomb in my briefcase to illustrate my point.
Judge Stone: [Staring quietly at Dan] Defense?
Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, prosecution is citing precedent which is absolutely irrelev [Shouting] He has a bomb in his briefcase!
Ernie Carter: Freeze! Anybody makes the teeniest tiniest move and Fielding gets blown to kingdom come.
[Everybody in the courtroom flees].
Dan Fielding: And I thank you for your support.

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The Return of Doctor Mysterio - S10-E1

The Doctor: [Looking at the Superman comic] Take a look at that picture.
Young Grant: OK.
The Doctor: Now, this one. Take a good, long look. Takes a moment to see it.
Young Grant: See what?
The Doctor: Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same person.
Young Grant: Are you serious?
The Doctor: Yeah. Look, I drew specs on Superman.
Young Grant: Everyone knows they're the same person.
The Doctor: Uh. Well, Lois Lane doesn't. And she's a reporter.

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A Day in the Life - S4-E15

Judge Harry Stone: [Shouting] I don't not believe this! A book burning? A public book burning!
Mac Robinson: Take it easy, sir.
Judge Stone: I will not take it easy. Not until people like this crawl into the 20th century and realise that the freedom of speech manifested in our literature is one of the very cornerstones of our democracy!
Dan Fielding: Your Honor, they attempted to burn 1,200 copies of the same book.
Judge Stone: I don't give a damn! I feel it is my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremist like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me!
Mac: [Reading the book title] The Genius of Barry Manilow.
Judge Stone: One dollar!

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The Computer Kid - S2-E5

Dan Fielding: It's incredible what they are doing with the size of personal computers nowadays, huh?
Jeremy Simon: [Typing on his computer, ignoring Dan].
Dan: I'm what you might call an aficionado.
Jeremy: [Typing on his computer, ignoring Dan].
Dan: Do you know what that word means?
Jeremy: [Typing on his computer and showing Dan] Do you know what that word means?
Dan: Come here, little boy.
Jeremy: For your edification, this is a 16-bit CPM with 64K RAM and has floppy or hard disk capabilities. Any other questions, keyboard face?
Dan: There is no Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny is dead, and Kermit the Frog wears dresses!

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Pat Novak: Now I know some of you may think that this kind of thinking is dangerous and these machines violate your civil liberties. Some of you even believe that the use of these drones overseas makes us the same kind of bullying imperialists that our forefathers were trying to escape. To you, I say stop whining! America is now and always will be the greatest country on the face of the Earth! I'm Pat Novak. Good night.

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Uncle Rudy: Don't call the police. No police. They work for Kord. What do you think Kord is going to do when they figure out that some Mexican kid had that type of military tech inside of him? They're gonna lock his ass up. And then they're gonna wipe our minds, so that we don't tell anybody. And it's not like the government isn't used to locking up Mexicans anyways. I mean, this is sci-fi shit. This is CIA. This is Area 51!

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Terror on Dinosaur Island! - S1-E2

Plastic Man: Are you seeing what I'm seeing? 'Cause I'm seeing gorillas riding pterodactyls with harpoon guns stealing a boat.

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Ron Burgundy: Brian, any idea what you might do next?
Brian Fantana: Gonna head back to L.A. I got a good group of buddies out there. O.J. Simpson. Phil Spector. Robert Blake.
Ron: Sounds like a fun crew.
Brian: We go out cruising chicks. Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."
Ron: I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.

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Freddie Shapp: Hey, Linda! I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Linda Jackson. How are you my friend? [Shakes hands with Linda's male assistant].
Freddie: Ron. This is Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron: Oh. Black. Black.
Freddie: Jesus, just stop, Ron.
Ron: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know why I can't stop saying black. The word black.
Linda: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron: Black. Black.
Linda: Stop.
Ron: Black.
Linda: Stop saying black.
Ron: [Long pause] Black. If I don't say it I'll pass out.

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Detective O'Brien: Goddamn time traveling robots covering up their goddamn tracks. I knew it!

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Bizarros in a Bizarro World - S2-E10

Bizarro Superman: I am your father. You do what I tell you to do, you understand?
Bizarro Jonathan: Oh, so now you want to be my dad now that I have powers. Where were you before?
Bizarro Superman: Don't you take that tone with me. You know exactly where I was.
Bizarro Johnathan: Actually, yeah, yeah, I do. Uh, selling your shoe line and hosting the Kevins. Oh, and the trips with President Seinfeld.

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Wizard of Oz: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

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Code Red - S2-E16

Dr. Alicia Seberg: Good morning, Mr. Jane. My name is Dr. Alicia Seberg. I gather from a brief search on the internet that you're the best detective in my immediate vicinity.
Patrick Jane: Oh, well, um, you flatter me, but, uh, I'm not actually a detective.
Dr. Seberg: I need your professional assistance. Please come immediately. I've been murdered.

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Batman: You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts.

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Wonder Woman: Nice suit. Looking good, Flash.
Flash: Oh, uh thank you.
Wonder Woman: [To Batman] And you are welcome.
Batman: My ego's far too big to say "thank you" to someone else. I developed this all powerful persona to compensate for my childhood trauma.
Al Falcone: I too have childhood trauma.
Wonder Woman: The Lasso of Truth. Never gets old.
Batman: [Struggling to get the Lasso off] I'd do a lot better just giving all my money away. If I really wanted to end crime, I should end poverty.
Flash: [Helping with the Lasso] I know sex exists. But, I've just never experienced it.

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Telegraph Lady: You actually want to send this?
Semmi: Why? What is wrong? Read it to me.
Telegraph Lady: "To his majesty, King Jaffe Joffer, the Royal Palace, Zamunda. Sire, Akeem and I have depleted our funds. Kindly send 300,000 American dollars immediately, as we are in dire straits. Your humble servant, Semi."
Semmi: Semmi.
Telegraph Lady: Semmi.
Semmi: Should I make it 400,000?
Telegraph Lady: You think that would be enough?
Semmi: You are right. 500,000.
Telegraph Lady: As long as you're asking, why don't we go for a cool million?
Semmi: You do not think that would be too much?
Telegraph Lady: Naah.

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