Lana: Do you need to get that?
Malory: No. I'm sure whoever it is...
Cheryl: It's the Vatican. Line one. Jesus! [Cheryl gasps.] Shit. I hope he didn't hear that. [Cheryl gasps again.] Or that. Shit.
Malory: Just put him through, you idiot.
Cheryl: Okay! Jesus! [Cheryl gasps.] Shit.
Malory Archer: An erection?! The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?
Sterling Archer: No! Just half a one, the other half would have really missed you. I mean, not.
Archer Vice: Baby Shower - S5-E6
Ray: No, we have to play games at the baby shower. There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh, Dirty Diaper Game.
Cyril: What in God's name is the Dirty Diaper Game?
Ray: Oh, my God, it's hilarious. You get a bunch of newborn diapers, then you microwave different candy bars...
Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me stop you there because, if you finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
Ray: Goddamn, Shawshank.
Trinette: What the shit!?
Archer: I know, I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but-
Trinette: Not yours, shitbrains! His!
Archer: Yeah, it's like we got each other's backs, right?
Trinette: You can't tattoo a frickin' baby!
Archer: That's what the tattoo guy said. Had to slip him an extra hundred bucks.
Trinette: How about I slip somebody a hundred bucks to throw acid in your face!?
Archer: Cost more than that I bet to buy acid, Trinette.
Lana: Well, go ahead and say it.
Lana: That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.
Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood! I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family. But, you know, go ahead and start.
Pam Poovey: Holy shitsnacks!
Lana Kane: Yuuuuuup!