Lester Patel: I mean people, do you have any idea what working with fried food will do to my complexion?
Jeff Barnes: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
Chuck Bartowski: See? Guys can hug.
John Casey: Not if they don't have their man parts.
Chuck Bartowski: Well it may not be the steamiest, but we probably have the strangest relationship in Los Angeles.
Sarah Walker: Doubt that. Morgan's still dating, right?
Chuck Bartowski: Good point.
Chuck Bartowski: I have very sensitive sinuses.
John Casey: Well 9mm of hot lead should clear that right out! Did you really think you could run away from me? Let's go.
Chuck Bartowski: Casey, I'm handcuffed.
John Casey: Relax, handcuffs are a cinch.
Chuck Bartowski: Really?
John Casey: Yeah, there's a bone in your thumb. Tiny bone. Real easy to break. What you're gonna wanna do is apply torsional pressure until it snaps.
Chuck Bartowski: I'm not going to break my bone.
John Casey: Well in that case, you are screwed.
Sarah Walker: So you want us to break into a government controlled crime scene?
John Casey: It's the F.B.I., how hard can it be?
Chuck Bartowski: You belong out there. Save the world. I'm just - I'm just not that guy.
Sarah Walker: How many times do you have to be a hero to realise that you are that guy?
John Casey: Relax, I think I see a scenario where we both get out with acceptable losses.
Chuck Bartowski: What exactly is your version of acceptable?
John Casey: Breaks, punctures, possible loss of a limb, no major organ damage.
Ted Roark: Put him in the helicopter. Kill the CIA agent.
Steve Bartowski: He's my son.
Ted Roark: He's your son? Congratulations! That's great! I had no idea! Kill the son.
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: I know you guys work at Buy More, but I'm a doctor, okay? I take risks every day. This is a matter of life or death. Someone needs to man up and take action. Someone needs to be a hero.
Ellie Bartowski: No they don't, Devon. Being a hero is being alive to take care of friends and family.
John Casey: Bartowski, you're like the poster child for friendly fire.
Chuck Bartowski: Dad's going to walk you down the aisle.
Ellie Bartowski: You can't... say that Chuck. I know you want that for me, but we haven't heard from him in a really long time.
Chuck Bartowski: Yeah well, I'm going to find him. I'm a smart guy, I can do that. And when he hears about the wedding, he'll be here for you.
Ellie Bartowski: Come on. You really think he'll make it?
Chuck Bartowski: I guarantee it.
Chuck Bartowski: But it's - it's Christmas. Look I'm not buying the whole Scrooge act. Underneath that spy cover is a regular person, just like the rest of us. I mean honestly, how weird could Christmas have been for you?
Sarah Walker: Christmas at the Burton household meant the annual Salvation Army con job.
Chuck Bartowski: Okay, you're a little different than the rest of us.
John Casey: Sure thing, Chuck. I'll just call all the criminals and rogue spies and let them know to hold on a second because Chuck Bartowski needs to sort out his lady feelings.
Jeff Barnes: If I could travel in time, I'd go to Lester's birth. I'd love to see the look on your face when you emerge from the vaginal canal.
Sarah Walker: Come any closer, I shoot.
John Casey: You shoot him, I shoot you, I leave both your bodies here and go out for a late night snack. I'm thinking maybe pancakes.
Chuck Bartowski: Look, what if I surrender and you run. I mean I'm going into a cell anyway. What's the difference?
Sarah Walker: Torture.
Chuck Bartowski: Okay, no surrender.
Cole Barker: Just doing my job, General. Actually, Chuck showed great courage on this mission. He got injured in the line of duty.
John Casey: He got clipped by a window sill. It's as pathetic as it sounds.
General Diane Beckman: I wanted a private word with you. Pardon the intrusion.
Chuck Bartowski: On this moment or my life in general?
Chuck Bartowski: I'm just too trusting. Ever since I was a kid, I really wanted to believe what everyone else told me, you know? I'm just getting used to this new job, with the spying and lying.
Sarah Walker: Don't get used to it. What makes you special is that you're not like every other spy. You're a good guy and you want to help people. Leave the deception to me.