Bill Maher: New rule: from now on, that awkward moment in every meeting where you hear a phone vibrate and everybody discreetly starts patting their pants to see if it's theirs, shall be known as an Amish circle jerk.
Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats.
Tucker Carlson: I mean, look, no matter how you feel about Bush, watching him speak is difficult. It's like - it's like watching a drunk man cross an icy street.
Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.
Howard Dean: I think the problem with the country is that we operate on a sickness model, not a wellness model. Basically, we treat people who become ill. What we don't do is do a very good job in keeping them healthy in the first place.
George Galloway: Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them.
Bill Maher: New rule: someone has to tell all the idiots rushing out to buy one of those new hoverboards that you can save yourself 500 bucks by just breaking your own neck and setting the garage on fire.
Kurt Vonnegut: I am not only from the richest country in the world, but the dumbest country in the world.
Bill Maher: New rule: Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
Bill Maher: New rule: now that Paul McCartney has admitted that he once masturbated with John Lennon, he has to tell us, is that when you guys wrote "Come Together"?
Bill Maher: White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way.
Bill Maher: New rule: Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.
Bill Maher: New rule: now that we know that this year's average Super Bowl ticket is selling for a record $5,500, and some tickets for as high as 28 grand, neurologists have to start looking into whether the fans also have brain damage.
Bill Maher: New rule: Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.
Bill Maher: New rule: someone has to tell this Chinese kid "Get out of the algae. It's not good for you. Plus, hey, lunch break is over. Get back to making my iPhone."
Bill Maher: New rule: now that poison control centers are warning that young children who like the smell of fruit-scented hand sanitizer are drinking it and getting drunk and passing out, someone has to give fruit-scented hand sanitizer to the kid behind me on the plane.
Tucker Carlson: Maybe in fact it was better to have Saddam in there. Maybe Saddam, as bad as he was - was not the worst we could get. Maybe chaos was the worst we could get. That's the truth.
Bill Maher: New rule: basking sharks don't get to take part in "Shark Week." They're slow-moving, they feed on plankton, they're not a threat to anyone. That's not a shark, that's a whale. You want to be on "Shark Week"? Try eating a surfer.
Mario Cuomo: When President Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When President Bush prayed, God talked to Bush.
Bill Maher: New Rule: The next time Steve Fossett tries to fly something around the world, shoot him down.
