Quotes from David Schwimmer movies and TV shows

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Below are some quotes involving David Schwimmer - click the title to view the complete list. If you think their finest moments are missing from the full list, please submit them.

The One With Ross's Teeth - S6-E8

Monica: What happened to your teeth?
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, what... What do you think?
Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... Human teeth?
Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: Uh, uh... A day.
Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.

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The One With Joey's Big Break - S5-E22

Joey: [to Ross.] Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Ross: [Looks disgusted.] Dude!
Joey: Oh, sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

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The One with George Stephanopoulos - S1-E4

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, OM-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Oh Ross, I'm sorry.

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The One Where Ross Dates a Student - S6-E18

Ross: I would date her, but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it - when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No, that's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. Yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

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The One With The Video Tape - S8-E4

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

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The One With The Tea Leaves - S8-E17

Mona: Ross! What are you doing?
Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

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The One With the Holiday Armadillo - S7-E10

Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part Jewish!
Ross: [Dressed as the "Holiday Armadillo."] You are? Me too!
Monica: Because... Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: You wanna wander in the hall?

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The One with the Monkey - S1-E10

Ross: His name's Marcel. My friend Bethel rescued him from a lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent want to name their child Bethel?

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: So basically you get your ya-yas from taking money from all of your friends?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less, so.

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The One Where Ross Can't Flirt - S5-E19

Ross: By the way, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to like 8 year-old boys.

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The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

[After eating Rachel's English trifle-Shepherd's pie combo.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good.

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Super Grover Premium member

Gloria: What is this place?
Melman: San Diego. This time, I'm 40% sure.

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