Quotes from David Schwimmer movies and TV shows

Charlie: Holy Moly.
Gus: Who says "Holy Moly"?

Josie McBroom: Freakin' fantastic! Don't you see? None of us has to run away or turn ourselves in.
Charlie: What do you propose? We roam the country living on the land, like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?

Charlie: I just drowned a man of the cloth in crap.

The One With Ross's Teeth - S6-E8

Monica: What happened to your teeth?
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, what... What do you think?
Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... Human teeth?
Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: Uh, uh... A day.
Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.

The One with George Stephanopoulos - S1-E4

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, OM-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Oh Ross, I'm sorry.

The One With Joey's Big Break - S5-E22

Joey: [to Ross.] Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Ross: [Looks disgusted.] Dude!
Joey: Oh, sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

The One Where Ross Dates a Student - S6-E18

Ross: I would date her, but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it - when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No, that's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

[After eating Rachel's English trifle-Shepherd's pie combo.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good.

Super Grover ★

The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. Yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper" skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

The One With The Video Tape - S8-E4

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

The One With The Tea Leaves - S8-E17

Mona: Ross! What are you doing?
Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

The One With the Holiday Armadillo - S7-E10

Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part Jewish!
Ross: [Dressed as the "Holiday Armadillo."] You are? Me too!
Monica: Because... Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: You wanna wander in the hall?

The One with the Monkey - S1-E10

Ross: His name's Marcel. My friend Bethel rescued him from a lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent want to name their child Bethel?

The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: So basically you get your ya-yas from taking money from all of your friends?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less, so.

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt - S5-E19

Ross: By the way, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to like 8 year-old boys.

Jon Sandys ★

Max Abbitt: I thought we agreed not to set each other up anymore.
Jay Murphy: No, I agreed not to let you set me up anymore after that girl who you said was perfect for me tied me up and came out with that hood and cane and offered to beat the shit out of me.

Jay Murphy: Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged?
Max Abbitt: Share the wealth, brother.

Max Abbitt: True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

Gloria: What is this place?
Melman: San Diego. This time, I'm 40% sure.