Quotes from Madeline Kahn movies and TV shows

Jenny Hill: My name is Jenny Hill, and I'm simultaneously funny and sad.

Sigerson Holmes: What did the letter say Mrs.Hill?
Jenny Hill: IT said I wanted to touch HIS winkle.
Sigerson Holmes: Ohh.
Orville: His what?
Sigerson Holmes: Never mind, I'll explain later.

Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.
Sigerson Holmes: The problem won't go away because you don't wish to t.
Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.
Orville: You're making a tragic mistake, love.
Jenny Hill: I've made a tragic mistake. More tragic than you can possibly imagine. And unless I am very careful... I am going to die for it.

Jenny Hill: I'm not proud of what I did.
Sigerson Holmes: You've just told me a magnificent success story! Overlooking the fact that you're a liar, a thief, a traitor, and a whore, I don't see what should be bothering you.

Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White: Well, that was his job, he was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared.
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. You know, if I was the killer I would kill you next.
Miss Scarlet: Oh!?
Colonel Mustard: I said if, if. Hey, come on, there is only one admitted killer here and it is certainly not me, it is her.
Mrs. White: Me? I've admitted nothing.
Colonel Mustard: Well, you've paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine, or other womens'?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, five. Husbands should be like kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right.

Mrs. White: He didn't actually seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. [Rolls eyes].

Bishop73

Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny.

Victoria Brisbane: Have you seen my father at the Institute? Is he all right?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: He's fine, he's fine. He's coming along just fine. He's very affectionate. He licked me.
Victoria Brisbane: He what?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Well, he thinks he's a dog these days.
Victoria Brisbane: A dog?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: A dog, yes.
Victoria Brisbane: Do you mind if I smoke?

Victoria Brisbane: I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'm just so close to my menstrual cycle that I could scream.

Victoria Brisbane: Another one? Listen, Richard, you have got to get a grip on yourself.

Victoria Brisbane: How did you, ummmm... get my room number? I am not going to listen to any more of this, I mean, I've had just about enough! What are you wearing? Jeans? You're wearing jeans? I bet they're tight.

Empress Nympho: Bob?
Bob: Yes, Your Highness?
Empress Nympho: Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa.
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew.
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa.
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd.

Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys.

Draggle: We wouldn't lie.
Hydia: I told you I don't care if you lie, just not to me.

Buttons: Look. It's the witches from Volcano Mountain. They look cute.
Draggle: Cute? Did you hear that? They called us cute.
Reeka: How embarrassing.

Hydia: It's time you two do-nothings DID something.
Draggle: Uh... I pulled the wings off a fly last week.
Reeka: Uh, I fried a worm.
Hydia: Aah, small time stuff! I'm talking about something big.
Reeka: Uh, uh, I could fry two worms.

Hydia: Back to the volcano.
Draggle: You said nothing can stop the smooze.
Hydia: I lied.

Draggle: Y'know, maybe we should get a room! Maybe it's time to move out, get a place of our own.
Reeka: Live with you? I'd rather get the phlume.
Draggle: Well, that's fine with me.

Draggle: Reeka's right, the smooze worked without it.
Hydia: Without what?
Draggle: Uh oh.
Hydia: Without what?
Draggle: Nothing.
Hydia: Then EAT.
Reeka: Ewwww.
Hydia: EAT.
Draggle: No, please! Don't make us eat ice cream.